One of my once-a-month clients has two cats, whose names I can never remember, so we'll call them TinyCat and SurlyCat. TinyCat always leaps and gambols around my legs when I come in, murring and mewing until I pick her up and snuggle her. SurlyCat has these fascinating golden eyes, with eyelids that tilt down a little on top, so he wears a perpetual scowl, like he's furrowing his brow in concentration, trying to figure you out. He's like one of those paintings, where the eyes follow you no matter where you're standing in the room. He just crouches there, a little black-and-white puff of felinity, quite possibly reading my soul.
So now you can picture SurlyCat materializing in various parts of the apartment while I clean, just staring at me, in the background of the story. The rest of the story will be about TinyCat, and my poor, mistreated feather duster.
All fuzzy creatures love the feather duster. Every cat I clean for has batted at it or tried to steal it, and my pug has been caught on multiple occasions with a tuft of feathers sticking out of his mouth and a would-be-innocent look on his face. I had one cat do a standing leap from the floor up to my waist (and I'm not a short person) to try and get at the duster while I was holding it. It's magical. I accept this as a responsibility of my office, and try to keep it out of unworthy paws.
So I got to my client's apartment, and SurlyCat stared at me from a chair, and TinyCat danced around me excitedly. I picked her up and gave her snuggles, and she climbed all over me, purring loudly. Little did I know, her devious little cat mind was just softening me up so that I wouldn't notice when she made her move.
Sure enough, while I was tackling the kitchen counters, I heard a clatter in the dining room. TinyCat had leaped off of the table and onto the floor, my feather duster in her mouth, and was bounding away toward the bedroom with it.
"Hey! Give that back!" I yelled, scrambling across the floor and trying to retrieve my duster, which is roughly the size of the cat, by the way.
"HaHA! Foolish mortal! The duster is mine now! All shall love me and despai...ahCHOO!"
The duster's only defense is its ability to shoot allergens at anybody who gets too close.
I followed the bouncing, sneezing duster into the bedroom, and made to grab the handle and yank it away from TinyCat. SurlyCat stared at us from the bed (No, I don't know how he got there. Cat-portation is a mystery to the uninitiated). TinyCat flattened herself into a cartoonish pancake and oozed underneath the bed, dragging the helpless and screaming feather duster behind it.
As the last feather disappeared under the bed, I fell on the floor, laughing my ass off. I couldn't believe that had just happened.
Once I had composed myself, I peered under the bed. All I could see was a pile of trembling feathers, with a tail sticking out from behind it.
"Well, this will be an easy rescue mission. Come here, duster..."
*GRRRRRR*
The world's tiniest, most ferocious growl emitted from behind my duster.
"You growled at me! TinyCat! I thought we were friends, yo."
"Not while you threaten My Precious, Human," she hissed at me, dragging the duster farther back into her lair.
I left the bedroom to re-group. This was going to take some strategy. I texted my client to tell him of the hostage situation going on under his bed. Gooshyfood and toys were discussed as possible bribes for the safe return of the duster. Eventually, TinyCat wandered out of hiding and walked up to me, challenging me.
"Don't give me that sweet come-play-with-me look, TinyCat. You're an evil mastermind."
She swished her tail as if to say, 'Yeah, you're right, I totally am,' and turned to go back into the bedroom.
There was nothing for it. I was going to have to go in there and get my duster back. I took my vorpal sword in hand, and squeezed under the bed. Suddenly, the floor sloped downward and I was sliding, faster and faster, into the much-fabled Catspace.
My sword glowed as I landed on a stone floor and looked around, the blue light glinting off of millions of fake mice, miles of string, and an entire town's worth of lost Christmas ornaments and odd socks.
"So that's where they all go..."
I started off down a winding path through this cavernous new world. Every now and then I would whip around, startled, as I heard the lightest of paws disappearing into the darkness. After what seemed like ages, I reached a room full of nothing but feathers. Peacock feathers, piles of down from pillows, those little jingly things that only stay attached to the cat tree for five minutes...
And in the middle of it all sat TinyCat, several times larger than he was in Humanspace, guarding my duster like a jealous, fuzzy dragon.
"I knew you'd follow me here, Human. You're more intrepid than the others."
"If you give me my duster back, we can go back to Humanspace and pretend this never happened. I'd hate to share the secrets of your kind with the human world."
"You wouldn't dare. They would never believe you, and our kind would be swift to exact revenge."
I stared down the giant cat, which was no mean feat, and pondered just how Cat-kind would exact revenge on a human knowing too many of its secrets. It would probably involve me never being able to keep a pair of shoes for longer than a week.
"I don't want to attack you, TinyCat. Let's settle this amicably."
"Fool! The duster is mine now! We will not be parted."
I looked around for something to help me. I couldn't leave my poor duster down there, but I didn't think my client would believe me if I told him his cat fell in epic battle against me.
Then I saw it. The biggest peacock feather I'd ever seen, leaning against the wall of the cave. Its many tendrils were wafting in the damp air that circulated down there. It was my only chance.
I rushed to the wall, TinyCat reaching forward to bat at me as I ran, and hoisted the peacock feather up over my head.
"Here, kittykittykitty!" I yelled, waggling the feather a few feet from TinyCat's nose.
She took the bait. She bounded forward and closed her paws around the end of the feather as I dropped it and ran past her to where my poor duster crouched fearfully. Taking advantage of TinyCat's distraction, I gathered the duster up in my arms and dashed past her again, the sword lighting my way back out of the cave, up the sloping tunnel, and back to the space under my client's bed.
"You have won today, human," said SurlyCat as I climbed out from under the bed, his unblinking stare more unnerving than usual. "But our kind do not forget a slight like this. See you next month."
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