The Cleaning Bird

The Importance of Opening a Window

2011-02-21T07:40:00.000-08:00

Morning all! Spring has sprung, and because I'm in such a good mood about it, I have a video blog for you :D

Happy Monday!
~FNCB

Office Organizing

2011-02-16T09:06:00.001-08:00

Morning, all! Are you glad it's Wednesday? I know I am.

So on Monday, I told you I was going to do my taxes. In my life, doing a big project like that on top of a piled-up desk is just frustrating and unproductive. I had to get all my filing and piling out of the way so I could have a clear desk upon which to tackle the taxes. I had three inboxes, all full of crap, and some of it was stuff I needed for said taxes, so I pulled the recycle bin up next to my desk chair and got to work.

The first thing I did was sift through everything and throw stuff away - credit card applications (of course, those got torn up first), empty envelopes, advertisements, and invitations. I say 'invitations' because as I came across one, I put the event information on my phone's calendar, thus enabling me to dispose of the piece of paper and have one less thing on my desk. If you can put things in digital format, do so. Obviously, some things need a backup - like my taxes - but a lot of it can be put into a note on the phone or computer or email calendar and then you can throw away the paper and save yourself some clutter.

I was happy to notice that throwing away all the stuff I didn't have a reason to keep, knocked out about two thirds of the paper stack. Much easier to manage now. So I opened the expando-file where I keep all my personal stuff, and filed the non-business things. This would be personal credit card statements, pay stubs, doctor bills or EOBs from the insurance company...stuff like that. I only keep records of transactions that I may need to prove later. When I pay a bill online, I jot down the confirmation number, amount, and date of payment on the bill itself, then file it. That way, if my electric company calls me up to say, 'Zomg you didn't pay us!!!' I can pull out the bill for the month in question and prove to them that I did. It's a pain in the ass for me to have to keep papers around, but it would be even more of a pain in the ass if someone accused me of not paying a bill and I couldn't prove them wrong. Always cover your arse when it comes to bills.

Once the personal stuff was filed, I could file the business stuff. These are actually kept in a filing drawer of my desk, all fancy-like because they're special. Right now, all I've got are files for the bank, and taxes and receipts for each calendar year, so that filing was easy. And once it was all done, I knew where my tax forms were, and all my business receipts were in one file that I could pull out and go through at my leisure.

With my inboxes empty and my desk clear and clean, I was able to spend the entire day tackling the taxes - scanning copies of receipts, filling out forms for the accountant, doing math - none of it was fun, but all of it was necessary. Now all I have to do is sit back and let the people with letters after their names sort out the rest, which is a huge load off my mind. If you ever start a business, my advice to you is what my Entrepreneurship prof in college told me: Get an accountant, and a lawyer. Everything else you can figure out as you go, but you need those two people on your side.

Have a good rest of your week, everyone! I'll see you on Monday, hopefully with some packing tips.

Hugs,
FNCB

Valentine Video Post

2011-02-14T08:39:00.000-08:00

And of course, since it's VDay, I'm doing my taxes. It was really a choice between 'finally getting them done' or 'making them into a rather smart casual jacket.' I figured the IRS would appreciate the former - those guys have no fashion sense.

Love and chocolate,
FNCB

And Now For Something Completely Different

2011-02-09T09:14:00.000-08:00

Greetings, snowbound friends! Yeah, it snowed again here in Texas this morning. But that did not deter me and a couple of my finest gentleman friends from trooping into Dallas to see Flogging Molly open their Green 17 tour last night. Flogging Molly is one of my absolute favorite bands of all time, and I'd never seen them live before. I was not to be disappointed.

The opening bands were pretty good (the Swedish saxophone player named Gustav made me happy in a number of ways), so I was feeling good despite still trying to shake off this head cold. It turns out that both adrenaline and Bombay Sapphire are effective at clearing the sinuses.

Flogging Molly gives an incredibly energetic show - the entire crowd was dancing and singing along all the way through. And Molly fans are some very friendly moshers, weirdly enough. They picked each other up when they fell on the floor, said 'excuse me' when they pushed through to the pit, and even found some guy's shoe when he'd been knocked out of it.

That's right, a couple of people got knocked out of their shoes. I'll let that sink in for a sec.

One of the guys hopped out of the crowd, having retrieved his shoe from whoever had found it. He was grinning like an idiot as he put his shoe back on, then he said, 'Tough crowd!' and dove right back in. I did not mosh, as I wear glasses and would be completely hosed if they got broken, but watching all those happy drunks good-naturedly pushing each other around the floor was a sight to see, let me tell ya.

Flogging Molly played all of my favorite songs: Devil's Dance Floor, What's Left of the Flag, If I Ever Leave This World Alive, The Wanderlust (during an acoustic set in the middle of the show!), Factory Girls...I was in Celtic heaven. Their Irish-folk lyrics and fiddle accompaniment, with their danceable punk sound, made for a two-hour show that felt like half an hour, I was having so much fun. They ended with Seven Deadly Sins and the crowd went completely mad. I sang myself hoarse (not difficult, with the head cold and all), got to watch my gentleman friend elbow moshers out of the way with the best of them - I never thought I'd find that attractive, but I do - and then I got a t-shirt to prove that I was there. End the night with food at Cafe Brazil, a necessary stop after a night in Dallas, and the awesomeness was complete.

Oh, and while we were in line for the merch table, someone behind us said, "You should get that shirt; you get a free CD off the website. And it's a cool shirt." We all turned around to see the freaking rhythm guitar player from Flogging Molly itself standing there. We all kind of stared, nonplussed, and he grinned at us all and said, "And I'm not just hocking it because I'm in the band, it really is a cool shirt." Then he left, and we all waved and grinned at him, not knowing what else to do. My friend shook hands with the banjo player as he made his way to the exit as well. I can safely say that they're a bunch of friendly, good-natured guys as well as phenomenal musicians.

I could not have had a better night last night, and my cold is still improving, so I'm not even suffering any Divine Retribution for staying up late dancing with boys on a weeknight. If there is a good and loving Higher Power out there, I'm pretty sure It loves Flogging Molly as much as I do.

Video Snow Blog!

2011-02-02T08:36:00.000-08:00

Leave a comment and share what you organized on your snow day!

Decluttering Applications in Daily Life

2011-01-31T09:00:00.000-08:00

Happy Monday, Cleaning Crusaders! Your Friendly Neighborhood Cleaning Bird and her roomie gave notice on their apartment this weekend, which means I'll be moving at the end of April. Don't worry, I've got a place lined up, but that does mean that I'll be spending the next two months downsizing, organizing, cleaning, and packing (in that order). What this means for you guys is that I may miss a blog post here and there, due to being trapped in my kitchen, wrapping plates in old towels. I wish it were something more entertaining, like being on the run from Interpol with my rich, handsome boyfriend...you know what, that does sound better. If/when I miss a blog post, it'll be because I'm on the run from Interpol with my rich, handsome boyfriend. Forget the plates.

But before the next jewel heist (it's my internet story, and I'll make it as interesting as I want), I want to talk about decluttering your life in ways that don't involve bin bags and dumpsters. I guess the following suggestions could involve those things, in theory, but that's illegal so don't do it.

I want to talk to you about People Clutter. Now that you've started simplifying your home, take a look at the people in your life. Look at them like you looked at your jewelry box or your bathroom cabinet. Do any of them stress you out? Are you putting up with some of them out of habit, even though they tend to make you feel bad when you're around them? Have you been making excuses for them, saying things like, 'That's just how they are!' or 'They're a really good person, they just say/do bad things sometimes!'?

Compare those people to that jewelry box, and the excuses you'd been making for not cleaning out the jewelry. It's hard, it's a lot of hassle, you might throw away something you really want some day, it takes a lot of time...any of these sound familiar regarding the stressful people in your life? Is that manipulative, commitment-phobic boyfriend easier to leave in the dresser than he is to drag out into the living room and purge?

Just like house-clutter, those stressful people are cluttering up your life. They're adding stress you don't need, and keeping you from seeing the things you really want to see in your life. Take a long look in the mirror, and ask yourself if there's anybody in your life who makes you nervous just from being in the same room as them, or who always leaves you feeling pissed off or exhausted for no apparent reason. Is there somebody who tries to discourage you from getting a better job or going back to school? Somebody who makes fun of you for quitting smoking? Somebody who never has a positive or uplifting thing to say, to you or about you?

These are People Clutter. They hold you back, they help you make excuses, they encourage you to be stagnant. And you know what you need to do, right? Right, same thing you did with the jewelry that turns your neck green. You need to get rid of them. E-mail them, call them, send them an owl, but do something to tell them that you don't want to see them anymore. Get rid of the people who are not likable to you, so that when you look at your life all you see are the good people who are there to support you, whom you like being around, and who like being around you as opposed to those who like you because you're useful. Friends don't like you because you're useful. They like you because you're you, and even when you're just sitting on the couch eating popcorn, they're glad you're there.

Don't settle for living in clutter, physical or mental. You're better than that. You deserve a clean, healthy living space, both in your head and outside of it. Both of these projects take work, and both of them are painful in parts, but trust me, they're both completely worth it. Keep the things in your life that truly make you happy, and let the rest go. You'll be surprised how much more fulfilling your time is when it's unobscured by all that extra crap.

Have a great day, all, and I'll see you Wednesday!

Hugs,
FNCB

Getting Organized: What to do With What's Left Over

2011-01-26T09:00:00.000-08:00

Morning, faithful readers, and Happy Wednesday! I'm part of the way through organizing my desk/office area, and I'll have a video blog for you once that gets done, but the office is the biggest mess of my apartment by a large margin, so I'm doing it in stages when I have a free evening to just sit at the desk and listen to music and sift through things. In the meantime, however, I wanted to answer a question I got from a reader: Once you've purged, what do you do with the stuff you're keeping?

My answer to that is baskets. Lots and lots of baskets. My roommate and I each have a flat plastic basket on the bathroom counter for the stuff we use all the time, and the bathroom cabinet has several metal baskets that I got from Wally World (the kind you give college students to carry their shower stuff in), and each one has a 'type' of bathroom thingy in it - skin/hair care, cold and allergy stuff, medicine and supplements. Make your own system, and toss things in the baskets. Then, when you need something, you can rummage through the basket and not knock over every bottle in the cabinet. The ones on the counter make it far easier to clean the bathroom, since moving a basket is one step, whereas moving all the bottles and tubes and toothbrushes is like twenty-seven.

I have a stack of three 'inbox' style baskets on my desk, for all the papers I never feel like filing. If they're in those inboxes, I know where they are until I get around to filing, and if I need to move them all, I just move the baskets, and there's less risk of me losing something as I shuffle them around. Oh, sure, I could be all industrious and say I'm gonna file something the minute it comes across my desk...but I know myself better than that. I hate filing. I hate paperwork. It annoys me, and I want to just burn all of it. So instead of trying to change how I feel about an entire process, I adjust my environment to fit my way of doing things. Don't try to be a different person - try to make changes to your environment so your stuff is contained in a way that makes sense to you.

In the kitchen, all the dog treats/toys/baggies are in a big bowl on the bar. All the produce that doesn't go in the fridge is in another big bowl on the counter. All the tea stuff is on a tray in the corner by the kettle. It's out, because I use all that stuff regularly, but it's in something, so that I can move one thing instead of five when I need to wipe down the counters.

Do you see the beauty of the basket system? You don't have to put things into them in a particular way, or with a particular level of neatness. Your stuff's in a basket. It's in a smaller place so you can find it more easily, and the eye sees the basket first and not the pile of stuff on the inside. Dumping out a little basket and digging through it to find your nail clippers is far easier than dumping out all the drawers in the bathroom to accomplish the same thing.

Yeah, but what goes in the drawers, then? I can hear you asking. Bigger things. The box of Q-tips. Your baggie full of hair things. Brushes and combs. For the office area, software and small electronics, like cameras and things. I got one of those compartment organizer thingies for my desk, so one of the drawers has all my paperclips and business cards and thumb drives and little fiddly things that turn into a big pile of crap or get lost so quickly if they're not kept separate.

You have stuff, and there's nothing wrong with that. Just make places for the stuff, and make those places easily accessible. I'm left-handed, so my inboxes are to the left of my monitor. It's a natural progression for me, which is why it's easy for me to keep things in the baskets. Oh sure, they spill out sometimes - I've had a huge pile o' crap on the desk for over a month now - but cleaning up that spill is easier, because the baskets are there to catch most of it. The place looks cleaner, and I feel like I can deal with One Basket far easier than I can A Desk Of Mail. It's all about tricking your brain into doing what you need it to do.

My final tip for the day is this: when you do get mail in, throw away the envelope it came in and any extra pieces of paper that you don't actually need. Same with packaging for bathroom stuff; you don't need the box the saline came in, you just need the bottle of saline. When my credit card bill comes in, I throw out the change-of-address form, the envelope the bill came in, and the envelope they provide for sending payment since I use Bill Pay through my bank. That's three pieces of paper that I don't need, and that make it far too easy for me to lose the actual bill, which is the thing I need. Throw away the extraneous paper, and just keep the parts you need for your records or to fill out and send back. It's a great way to keep the stuff you have from getting lost in the stuff you don't need.

Have a great rest of your week, everyone! I'll catch you next week, hopefully with another video blog.

Hugs,
FNCB

With Regrets

2011-01-24T09:04:00.000-08:00

Good morning, intertubes. My name is Sir Buster, Third Baron von Munchausen. I am a pug. My mistress was gone all weekend, and so I have claimed her time this morning in order to discuss state business and go on extra walkies. Regular blogging will resume on Wednesday. We thank you for your patience.

Bathrooms: The Decluttering

2011-01-19T09:00:00.000-08:00

Blog time! And I actually got this in one cut! *is proud of herself*

Jewelry-Box Organizing

2011-01-17T09:00:00.000-08:00

Happy Monday, intarwebs! Have a video post:

Getting Organized, Step Practicing-What-I-Preach

2011-01-12T09:00:00.000-08:00

Hey, everybody! Got your lists? I hope they didn't require too many mental gymnastics. I've got mine, so let's get in the circle for storytime.

Cleaning Bird, why have you been avoiding decluttering?

Well, my first reaction to that is, 'Because it's a pain in my ass and I don't wanna!!!!' But it's not like I don't have time in the mornings to do a little organizing - I always wait until after rush hour to head out to my cleans. So what am I doing with those mornings? Ummm, surfing the internet and watching Bones. Right, not productive.

I guess the main reason I haven't started a Grand Purging yet is because I know that, once I drag everything out to go through it, I'm committed. I can't just stop midway through the project, because then I'll have to deal with the stuff I dragged out of the closets along with the stuff that's already in the middle of my living room, and I don't want to do that either. It's really an all-or-nothing proposition: either go through everything I own and declutter it, or...keep putting it off and watch another ep of Bones. Guess which one's easier, go ahead, guess.

So for me, it's more of an inertia problem. I don't really have the 'what if I want that later' mental bugbear that so many people face, which I count as a blessing - it took me a good five years or so to get past it, but I managed it and I know I'm happier for it. I basically just told myself, 'Birdie, things are replaceable. If you want it again later, it'll be worth it to buy it again later.'

Birdie, how will decluttering make you happier?

Like I said on Monday, I'm moving in April, and I'd rather have to move as few boxes as possible. So decluttering will help make my move go more smoothly.

Also, taking old clothes and kitchenware and furniture to Goodwill always makes me happy. I've been a regular Goodwill shopper before, and I know how great it feels to be hard-up for job interview clothes and find something pretty and cheap at a resale store. I want to pay it forward, and help the people who are in the place I used to be.

Another reason is that I LOVE open spaces in my home. Empty countertops, clear floors, neatly-stacked desk...gods, it makes me so happy to see that. Straight lines speak to me of relaxation, of not needing to pick up, of being able to walk through a room and not run into anything. It's a marvelous feeling.

Birdie, what things do you refuse to get rid of during your Great Purge?

Let's see:

1. My Mammoth Desk of Officious Doom

2. The Couch of Comfy (oddly enough, I'm not putting the chair-and-a-half or ottoman on the list - I don't know if they're necessary enough to keep)

3. Antique armoire (I inherited it from my Granny, and it's old-fashioned and extremely cool)

4. Bookshelves

5. Set of drawings from my friend Heidi (they count as one thing, since they go together)

6. Lighted display case for my antiques

7. 1930's traveling trunk (I love my antiques)

8. Hat tree

9. Princess bed (I could find something that takes up less room...but I'm not gonna)

10. Framed college degree (duh)

11. Matching luggage set

12. Hiking backpack

13. Any framed family pictures

14. Wooden blanket rack

15. My webcomic art collection

***Note: This where it got harder for me to think of things I really couldn't part with.***

16. My computer and its peripherals (that's a given, but I'm trying to get to 30 items)

17. Fire/waterproof safe

18. My handgun and its accessories (What? I live in Texas, of course I'm a gun owner.)

19. My Precious...er, Dyson

20. Crock pot (That's just essential, yo. How else am I supposed to come home to delicious beef stew?)

21. Fiestaware tea set and electric kettle (they don't really work without each other)

22. SodaStream! I love that thing.

23. My Nintendo DS, although I do plan on purging the games I have

24. Crocheting/cross-stitch projects (they're easily stored in a bag or basket)

25. My new iPod speaker dock of Awesome and Win

26. The giant wicker basket I currently use for towels (it's just so darned handy)

27. Dawn simulator lamp/white noise machine (falling asleep and waking up are both science projects for me)

28. Jewelry armoire, although the jewelry is SO getting purged

29. Hollow footstool that doubles as storage

...damn, this last one is the hardest...

30. Ooh, I got it! The really nice matching curtain set in my bedroom.

Wow, that was way more of a mental stretch than I thought it would be. I'm kind of impressed. And it made me realize that I have an asston of furniture that I could actually get rid of without crying over it. The place I'm moving to is a house with roommates, so I'll need to be aware of how many large objects I'm bringing with, and I'm a little surprised to find that I'm able to bring far fewer things than I currently possess.

That's exciting. Think of how much money I'm going to save on movers! Oh, I'm still hiring movers, as I have a bad shoulder and antique furniture is heavy, but I won't have to pay them as much because they won't be moving as much. I win!

Writing this post has been weirdly motivating. I must go purge things! I'm going to start with sorting out what I'll do with all that extra furniture. I'm not chucking it yet, as I've got another couple of months here before I need to shift it, but it'll feel so good to have lists of where it's all going, so that when it comes time, all I'll need to do is make it happen.

My hope for you, fair Cleaning Crusaders, is that your list-making and introspection was as motivating as mine was. For the next post, we'll go over where you can take all this extra stuff so that it can do the most good, and not be in your way.

Have a good rest of your week! I'll see you Monday.

Hugs,
FNCB

Getting Organized, Step One

2011-01-10T09:00:00.000-08:00

The start of a new year has apparently led several of my readers (as well as your Friendly Neighborhood Cleaning Bird) to turn their minds toward organization. A decluttered home is the first step to having a clean home, and no matter how much you or your tech scrub, if all your surfaces are covered in junk mail and laundry, you're going to be unhappy with your cleaning efforts. But don't get overwhelmed! If you have the right mindset starting out, and are willing to ask for help when you need it, you can be reunited with your countertops again. I'm sure they miss you.

So let's talk organizing. The first step to decluttering is a biggie, so it's going to be a post in and of itself. To organize your space, you have to organize your mind first. I've done my best to break it down into stages, and I want you to remember to go at your own pace on this. If you have to step away for a few days before you can come back and actually start chucking things, that's okay. Because it's your stuff. Don't do this on anyone else's time frame, because they don't matter. It's your stuff.

In my experience, the biggest and most fruitless battle any of my organizing-challenged friends have ever fought, is trying to cram two houses' worth of stuff into one house and make it look organized. There comes a time when you have to realize that there is no Singularity in the back of your closet, no single woman actually needs three recliners, and that pile of fabric that you SWEAR you're going to make a quilt out of one day is never going to become a quilt.

This is the first step to getting organized, and it's the step that takes the most effort, self-awareness, and honesty. Why are you holding onto those three recliners? Did you inherit them from a relative's house? Do you feel bad about putting them on the curb? Are you holding out for a bigger place so you can keep all of them? Sit down with your journal or a close friend or just by yourself with a cup of tea, and look really hard at the reasons you haven't thrown things away. Often, there's a thought process behind those actions that has nothing to do with the building you inhabit, and everything to do with the brainmeats you inhabit. Make a list of things that worry you about throwing stuff away, why you don't want to, why you've been making excuses. On the other side of the paper, make a list of reasons why you'll be happier if you declutter - you'll have less stress, you won't lose things as often, your place will look bigger, etc. Read it over carefully, and keep it someplace you can look at it often. You'll need to remind yourself why you're really doing things as you go along.

After you've had a nice talk with your Inner Self and figured out why you've been putting off decluttering and why it's time to start, make another list. This is a list-heavy project, so settle in. Without walking through the house, without going through anything, list off twenty or thirty objects that you know you want to keep. Things with sentimental value, things with monetary value, functional pieces of furniture, etc. Practical things that improve your life in some way, and that you know you won't be purging during this decluttering. Make them count, because everything not on that list is fair game. I'm not saying you're going to throw it away if it's not on the list (that would be silly), but you will have to at least consider doing so. True organization requires living within the space you're allotted, and a lot of us don't do that just yet. It is possible, though, so hang with me.

So as not to overwhelm you lot with advice and lists and things, I'm going to end this here. It's Monday, a good time to start things, so get your lists together and meet me back here on Wednesday. We'll go over one Clutter Region at a time, and figure out how to get that specific area pared down and organized. If we divide the work into small bites, it'll be more manageable, and easier for you to finish it off. But if you want this project to work, if you really want a more organized dwelling, you have to get in the mindset of throwing things away. You have to be willing to put your possessions on the curb. Not all of them, but definitely some of them. I'll also talk about places you can take your old stuff where they'll be put to good use, and where NOT to take them because you're just wasting your time (eBay is a gigantic fallacy by which many are duped). Be prepared for many rolled-up newspapers to the face, and be prepared to agonize over which three pairs of shoes you want to chuck. It's difficult, but keep your goal in mind: sitting down in the middle of clear countertops, corners without stuff piled in them, a closet door that closes, a happier, healthier home. You can do this.

So your three lists:

-Why does the prospect of purging my stuff worry me/make me unhappy?

-How will decluttering make my life better?

-What twenty or thirty things are essential to my life or happiness, so I will not be getting rid of them during this clean?

For that last list, don't get into clothing or dishes; we'll go over those separately. Stick to big things, furniture, artwork, etc. You'll surprised how long it takes to actually fill up that list.

And you know what? Since we're all in this together, and I'm just as bad at decluttering as the next person, I'll bring my lists to the blog on Wednesday. You don't have to share any of your lists with me, but I'm choosing to put my own issues out there, in hopes that your journey to a decluttered home will be made easier by knowing you're not alone. Also, I'm moving in April, so paring down my things is a great idea in general. Who wants to schlep things you didn't want to keep in the first place?

Have a great week, all! Get those lists together, and I'll see you on Wednesday for some cleaning therapy time.

Hugs,
FNCB (Friendly Neighborhood Cleaning Bird, of course)

A Birdie's Thoughts on 2010

2010-12-31T08:55:00.000-08:00

I distinctly recall sitting at this computer a year ago, and writing in my personal blog about how 2009 could go die in a fire. I'd lost a job, lost my roommate, lost a friend, lost a boyfriend, and gained a Zoloft prescription and twenty pounds. I was kind of surprised I was still standing, let alone going to my part-time coffee-slinging job and pulling down an excuse for a paycheck.

Then, 2010 came along, and I must say that things improved considerably. I got into the groove of slinging coffee and even came to like it after a while. I found new roommates, mended things with my friend, had a normal-person relationship, and eventually quit the antidepressants and started Weight Watchers. I rescued a dog, Sir Buster, Third Baron von Munchausen, and he continues to snort his way into my heart on a daily basis. And in September, I walked off the end of a particularly high diving board by quitting the coffee job and starting up Cleaning Bird as an official, tax-paying, full-time business. It was one of the biggest leaps I've ever taken in my life, right up there with being the first in my family to get a bachelor's degree, and just like that leap, this one has been an immensely fun ride. Yeah, there have been taxes, and clients who really needed some therapy, and one time the skin on my hands got exfoliated from an experimental cleaning procedure - tell you about that one later - but even the bad experiences ended up being things I could learn from, and even better, things I could bring to this blog and share with you guys, my faithful readers. It's not a large corner of the Blogosphere, this space I inhabit (not yet, anyway), but it is mine, and I think I'm almost as proud of my web presence as I am of my in-person business. Writing this blog has helped me find humor in the most frustrating of situations, it's let me vent my professional ire in a constructive way, and most importantly, it's let me do what I really want to do with my life: write for an appreciative audience. I didn't get that English degree solely for the Freedom of Pretention clause on the back of the diploma. I want to write for people, and I want to be known as a writer. This has been a small step toward that goal, but an important one nonetheless.

There's nothing that makes me happier than being approached by a friend at some social function and hearing them say, 'ZOMG your blog post the other day was hilarious!' Or, 'I tried that cleaning tip you mentioned, and it worked great. Thank you!' I'll admit, I'm still in the '...wait, you read that stuff???' phase of new-writerdom, but knowing that I have actual fans just has me walking on air when I'm reminded of it.

So I wanted to thank you guys for reading. I started this blog when I lost the aforementioned job in '09, and my friends promptly hopped on and made it a member of their Bookmarks folder. As it turns out, however much my writing has helped you crazy people on to greater heights of cleanliness, you can be sure that your patronage of my writing has helped me even more. A writer is nothing without an audience, and one of the best parts of 2010 has been the knowledge that I now have one.

Now that I'm done being sappy, I will leave you with some friendly Cleaning Bird advice for the new year.

1) White vinegar cleans Everything. Keep a gallon jug of it handy at all times.

2) Just...just get a Dyson. Seriously. Quit wasting money on cheap vacuums that don't work. Your allergies, and your guests, will thank you.

3) Don't forget to dust your fan blades! They should not look like muppets.

4) Adopt your pets from a rescue. It's cheaper than a breeder, and you're saving the life of a fellow creature. They pay for themselves in love and gratitude.

5) If you're going to be out boozing it up tonight, buy a friend dinner in exchange for them being the driver. I want as many readers tomorrow as I have today, so no flaming car crashes for you lot. The Cleaning Bird will be very disappointed in you.

In case you're wondering, I will be out and about tonight, but in the capacity of Designated Driver. I like to practice what I preach. Have fun, Cleaning Crusaders, and I'll see you in 2011!

Tales of Cleaning Terror: The Case of the Disappearing Duster

2010-12-15T10:15:00.000-08:00

One of my once-a-month clients has two cats, whose names I can never remember, so we'll call them TinyCat and SurlyCat. TinyCat always leaps and gambols around my legs when I come in, murring and mewing until I pick her up and snuggle her. SurlyCat has these fascinating golden eyes, with eyelids that tilt down a little on top, so he wears a perpetual scowl, like he's furrowing his brow in concentration, trying to figure you out. He's like one of those paintings, where the eyes follow you no matter where you're standing in the room. He just crouches there, a little black-and-white puff of felinity, quite possibly reading my soul.

So now you can picture SurlyCat materializing in various parts of the apartment while I clean, just staring at me, in the background of the story. The rest of the story will be about TinyCat, and my poor, mistreated feather duster.

All fuzzy creatures love the feather duster. Every cat I clean for has batted at it or tried to steal it, and my pug has been caught on multiple occasions with a tuft of feathers sticking out of his mouth and a would-be-innocent look on his face. I had one cat do a standing leap from the floor up to my waist (and I'm not a short person) to try and get at the duster while I was holding it. It's magical. I accept this as a responsibility of my office, and try to keep it out of unworthy paws.

So I got to my client's apartment, and SurlyCat stared at me from a chair, and TinyCat danced around me excitedly. I picked her up and gave her snuggles, and she climbed all over me, purring loudly. Little did I know, her devious little cat mind was just softening me up so that I wouldn't notice when she made her move.

Sure enough, while I was tackling the kitchen counters, I heard a clatter in the dining room. TinyCat had leaped off of the table and onto the floor, my feather duster in her mouth, and was bounding away toward the bedroom with it.

"Hey! Give that back!" I yelled, scrambling across the floor and trying to retrieve my duster, which is roughly the size of the cat, by the way.

"HaHA! Foolish mortal! The duster is mine now! All shall love me and despai...ahCHOO!"

The duster's only defense is its ability to shoot allergens at anybody who gets too close.

I followed the bouncing, sneezing duster into the bedroom, and made to grab the handle and yank it away from TinyCat. SurlyCat stared at us from the bed (No, I don't know how he got there. Cat-portation is a mystery to the uninitiated). TinyCat flattened herself into a cartoonish pancake and oozed underneath the bed, dragging the helpless and screaming feather duster behind it.

As the last feather disappeared under the bed, I fell on the floor, laughing my ass off. I couldn't believe that had just happened.

Once I had composed myself, I peered under the bed. All I could see was a pile of trembling feathers, with a tail sticking out from behind it.

"Well, this will be an easy rescue mission. Come here, duster..."

*GRRRRRR*

The world's tiniest, most ferocious growl emitted from behind my duster.

"You growled at me! TinyCat! I thought we were friends, yo."

"Not while you threaten My Precious, Human," she hissed at me, dragging the duster farther back into her lair.

I left the bedroom to re-group. This was going to take some strategy. I texted my client to tell him of the hostage situation going on under his bed. Gooshyfood and toys were discussed as possible bribes for the safe return of the duster. Eventually, TinyCat wandered out of hiding and walked up to me, challenging me.

"Don't give me that sweet come-play-with-me look, TinyCat. You're an evil mastermind."

She swished her tail as if to say, 'Yeah, you're right, I totally am,' and turned to go back into the bedroom.

There was nothing for it. I was going to have to go in there and get my duster back. I took my vorpal sword in hand, and squeezed under the bed. Suddenly, the floor sloped downward and I was sliding, faster and faster, into the much-fabled Catspace.

My sword glowed as I landed on a stone floor and looked around, the blue light glinting off of millions of fake mice, miles of string, and an entire town's worth of lost Christmas ornaments and odd socks.

"So that's where they all go..."

I started off down a winding path through this cavernous new world. Every now and then I would whip around, startled, as I heard the lightest of paws disappearing into the darkness. After what seemed like ages, I reached a room full of nothing but feathers. Peacock feathers, piles of down from pillows, those little jingly things that only stay attached to the cat tree for five minutes...

And in the middle of it all sat TinyCat, several times larger than he was in Humanspace, guarding my duster like a jealous, fuzzy dragon.

"I knew you'd follow me here, Human. You're more intrepid than the others."

"If you give me my duster back, we can go back to Humanspace and pretend this never happened. I'd hate to share the secrets of your kind with the human world."

"You wouldn't dare. They would never believe you, and our kind would be swift to exact revenge."

I stared down the giant cat, which was no mean feat, and pondered just how Cat-kind would exact revenge on a human knowing too many of its secrets. It would probably involve me never being able to keep a pair of shoes for longer than a week.

"I don't want to attack you, TinyCat. Let's settle this amicably."

"Fool! The duster is mine now! We will not be parted."

I looked around for something to help me. I couldn't leave my poor duster down there, but I didn't think my client would believe me if I told him his cat fell in epic battle against me.

Then I saw it. The biggest peacock feather I'd ever seen, leaning against the wall of the cave. Its many tendrils were wafting in the damp air that circulated down there. It was my only chance.

I rushed to the wall, TinyCat reaching forward to bat at me as I ran, and hoisted the peacock feather up over my head.

"Here, kittykittykitty!" I yelled, waggling the feather a few feet from TinyCat's nose.

She took the bait. She bounded forward and closed her paws around the end of the feather as I dropped it and ran past her to where my poor duster crouched fearfully. Taking advantage of TinyCat's distraction, I gathered the duster up in my arms and dashed past her again, the sword lighting my way back out of the cave, up the sloping tunnel, and back to the space under my client's bed.

"You have won today, human," said SurlyCat as I climbed out from under the bed, his unblinking stare more unnerving than usual. "But our kind do not forget a slight like this. See you next month."

Housekeeper vs. Cleaning Tech

2010-12-13T10:00:00.000-08:00

Housekeeper, Maid, Cleaning Lady, Cleaning Tech...who exactly are you hiring? Aren't all those words interchangeable? Well, we already know how I feel about the name 'Maid,' so let's skip that part.

A housekeeper is actually a completely different species of household helper than a cleaning tech. The main difference is how much time they spend in your home. A tech shows up at scheduled intervals to do her job, while a housekeeper is either there every day, or she actually lives with you. As you can imagine, hiring a housekeeper costs a LOT more than hiring a cleaning tech.

Let's look at some other differences, in list format:

Housekeepers

-Work every day

-Probably only work for you

-Pick up after you and your family

-Do laundry, dishes, and possibly other things like cooking or ironing

-Expect you to pay them enough to live on each year

That's a housekeeper. It's a very specific job, and most housekeepers are like members of the families they work for. They'll tend to stay in that position for years. On the other hand...

Cleaning Techs

-Work at scheduled intervals

-Have multiple clients

-Clean and sanitize surfaces

-Only do laundry, dishes, etc. if specifically asked (and compensated)

-Set their prices based on expenses, frequency of cleaning, state of house, etc.

Your cleaning tech shows up with a specific job to do (wipe down/clean all the surfaces in the house, usually), and leaves after that job is done, check in hand. A housekeeper is more a part of the household's everday operation, and is an integral part of how that house is managed. A housekeeper is also usually paid a salary, as he or she may need to stay late or come in early, depending on what's going on that day.

I explain these terms to my wonderful readers, partly because it's interesting, but also partly so that you can explain to your friends, and they can explain to their friends, what it is both sorts of people actually do. By doing this, the world is more knowledgeable about my work, and therefore more likely to be sensitive to what they call people who do my job. Hell, they might even have a little more respect while they're at it. I don't feel like my job is menial. I'm not a 'servant.' I think of myself as a contractor, someone with a specific skill whose clients need and appreciate said skill and are willing to pay for it. But someone who's never hired a cleaning tech and has their heads all full of preconceived notions about who we are and what we do, is bound to misunderstand and therefore dismiss out of hand the service we provide. Yes, a cleaning tech is a luxury item, a housekeeper moreso. But if you talk to any of my clients, they'll tell you they couldn't get by without me.

Expectations, Part Two: Your End of the Deal

2010-12-08T10:00:00.000-08:00

And here we are, at the interesting part of this series. What do I, your friendly neighborhood cleaning tech, expect from YOU, my client?

Honestly, it's not a lot. I think some of it is stuff a lot of clients never think of, though. If this is all obvious to you, then I salute you. But if it's not, don't feel bad. It's not like you could hire a cleaning tech for the first time in your life and your brain's going to instinctively know exactly what you should do. If humans were that impressive, we'd never have to stress over job interviews.

1. Payment

I know, sounds obvious, right? But it's at the top of the list, because why does anybody go into business? To make money. The main things to keep track of are as follows:

-Don't let your checks bounce

-Don't forget to pay your tech

-Don't argue over their prices

Your tech should deposit the check in a timely fashion (this falls under 'punctuality' from the previous post), but there should be money in your bank to cover said check. If it's a one-person establishment, like mine is, feel free to ask them to hold off until the end of the week to deposit the check if you need another payday in there. Full-blown companies don't have that kind of flexibility, so bear that in mind. And please don't ask your tech to hold your check for longer than the end of the week. She needs her moneys, yo.

Since most techs clean while their clients are at work for the day, payment is usually handled by leaving the check or cash where the tech will find it when he or she shows up. This is awesome, if you remember to do it. Set yourself a phone reminder, and leave the payment out the night before so you don't forget about it in the rush of leaving for the day. And if you do forget, don't stress. Just call your tech and offer to drop it in the mail or PayPal it to her or something like that. A paid tech is a happy tech.

And finally, on the subject of payment, your tech sets their prices based on lots of factors. Whether or not you feel like paying that amount is actually lower on the list than you'd think - underneath things like covering taxes, and gas to get to your place, and how much they'd like to eat that month. Their prices shouldn't be exhorbitant (get a quote from your local Merry Maids for a good definition of that word), but bear in mind that they're spending at least half the day working on your house, and if it's a small company, taxes and bills come out before they can spend your check on tacos and new shoes (which is TOTALLY what I spend my checks on, just so you know). So what I'm saying is, unless the prices are really horrendous, try and see it from their point of view. A tech's gotta eat. If you can't afford their prices, let them find a client who can instead of trying to talk them out of a fifth of their weekly pay while doing the same sweaty, dusty labor.

2. Communication

This one is massively important, and a lot of people who have never hired a cleaning service before, drop the ball in a big way.

All your tech does is what you want them to do. You have to talk to them about specific things you want done. You have no right to be angry over them not taking the trash out, if you didn't mention that you'd like that done and show them where the trash bags are kept and where you want the trash taken. How am I supposed to know where you keep your trash bags if you don't tell me? If your answer to this is, 'Well of COURSE they're in the laundry room with the other cleaning supplies, where ELSE would I keep them?' I'm gonna need you to get some perspective on your existence for a second. Not everybody lives like you do. And NOBODY BUT YOU knows how you want your house cleaned. You have to tell us. I could, in theory, spend twenty minutes rummaging through all your cabinets and drawers and pantries, looking for the bags, but would you really want that? Or would you rather just show me where the bags are and keep me from needing to go through your stuff?

Like I said in the previous post, your tech should have a specific list of things he or she will do when they come over to clean for you. You should ask for it, and they should provide it for you. If something's not listed that you want done, don't assume they're going to do it because it's obvious to you (we all know what assuming does, after all). Ask them if they'll do that thing. If it's a big thing, like cleaning out the fridge or oven, they may charge extra, and that's the tech's prerogative. She knows what her time is worth, and will adjust her prices according to what you want done. If you tell her what it is you want done.

On the other end of this, if your tech doesn't do such a great job, telling them what (SPECIFICALLY) she did wrong and giving her a chance to fix it, is another aspect of communication that a lot of clients miss. It's entirely possible that your tech was having a lousy day and forgot to clean the mirror. If you bring it up, I bet she'll even apologize and offer you a discount on your next clean. But if you don't bring it up and you just fire the tech, she's going to think you're a raging harpy for firing her for no apparent reason. Don't jump to the conclusion that your tech is lazy - find out what happened. Actually dealing with the situation is a lot more productive than just summarily firing people who don't dust your knicknacks properly.

Okay, I'm done on that one for now. Oh, I have much more to write about clients who don't communicate, but we have one more point of order to go over here, and I don't want to get more verbose than usual.

3. Clear Surfaces

Yes, guys (because it's always guys, and I can't figure out why), you have to clean before the cleaning service comes over. But it's not actual 'cleaning' that we need you to do. We need you to pick up. Shove the laundry in the closet. Do the dishes, or at least get them out of the sink and into the dishwasher. Stick all your bottles, tubes, pots, cans, spritzers and cups into a basket and stick it in a cabinet in the bathroom. Stack the magazines in one area of the living room, and get your kids to put their toys in the toybox. Your tech is coming over to Clean Your Surfaces, not to pick up after you. That's what a Housekeeper does (oh man, I just got an idea for my next post!), and a Housekeeper is a completely different species from a cleaning tech - Housekeepers get paid a lot more.

You've gotta get your stuff out of the way. If I can't see a surface, I can't clean it, and you're going to be unhappy that I didn't scrub that sink full of laundry. But I'm still not going to shift all your dirty laundry out of the sink, scrub it, then put your laundry back into it. Shove it in a hamper before I come over, or expect it to be left alone.

I'm not saying you have to wipe anything down or scrub anything - that actually IS my job, and I'll be happy to do it. Just get your Stuff out of the way so I can DO said job. It makes my work go by faster, it decreases the risk of me breaking something of yours, and it makes your house actually look clean when I'm finished. If it's not picked up, I can scrub all I want, but you're going to come home and think the place doesn't look clean, because you've still got a hallway full of laundry and Barbie dolls.

So those are the three main things you need to do to keep your tech (and yourself) happy. Obviously, tipping helps, as does sending them a holiday card to let them know they're appreciated, but those are just nice things you can do. The three things up there are crucial to keeping your business relationship with your tech running smoothly. Next time around, we'll talk about the difference between a housekeeper and a cleaning tech, and how not to feel dumb by confusing the two. I think this will help a lot of people set reasonable expectations in their minds regarding those particular jobs, as well. Have a good rest of your week! Next post will come around on Monday.

Expectations, Part One: The Tech's End of the Deal

2010-12-06T09:21:00.000-08:00

Happy Holidays, cleaning crusaders! Did we mop or vacuum the floor before we set up the tree? I know you did, and I'm so proud of you.

I said that I'd talk about expectations on both sides of the business arrangement between Homeowner and Cleaning Tech, so here's the first bit of that: what you, the Homeowner, can expect from your Tech. Bear in mind that there are two sides to this story, and this is only one of them. These are things that a Tech should know to do without being told. If they fall down on any of these, you should bring it up with them (NOTE: I didn't say 'fire them,' I said 'bring it up.'), and expect improvement. As with any employee, if they don't improve, then it's time to re-think the business arrangement, but seriously, folks. Give them at least one chance.

1. Punctuality

Now, in my business, I make it clear up front that I generally show up for my cleanings 'at some point during the agreed-upon day.' My clients tend to like this, as they're at work during the day, and as long as they come home to a clean house they're perfectly happy. But if a client DOES want me to show up at a certain time, I make sure it's a time I can make before I agree to it, and I do my best to be punctual. Your tech should respect your time, especially if you want to be there to let them in before you head for work for the day, or something like that. If he or she has trouble showing up on time, talk to them about it and see what you can work out that's agreeable for both of you.

On this same note, your Tech should keep his or her appointments. If they say they'll be there on Tuesday, and they flake...you've got a problem. If something comes up, your Tech should call you as soon as possible to reschedule. If they wake up and are ill, okay, but they should call and let you know what's going on. If you're going through a company, the office will usually send someone else in their place, but again, they should inform you. If you like your Tech and would rather they just send him over next time he's available, tell the office. If you're not picky about who does it as long as it's done, let them send someone else. Once again, it's about respecting your time. Your house should get cleaned when they say it will, or they should call you to reschedule.

2. Honesty

This goes hand-in-hand with #1 up there. If they schedule a clean, they should show up. If they quote you a price, they should stick to it (or have a Very Good Reason to do otherwise). They should leave all your things (more or less) where you left them. If they damage something of yours, they should own up to it and offer to make restitution somehow. All cleaning companies should have a policy in place to deal with damaged property, and insurance to cover such instances. You should ask your cleaning people about this policy, preferably before you hire them.

3. Privacy

Your tech is in your house. I learn a LOT about my clients when I empty their trash. I have spare keys, I know their alarm codes, I know their work schedules, and sometimes I know their family drama (for instance, if I come in and half the furniture's gone and the check is from Mrs. X when it's usually from Mr. X, I can safely assume there's some kind of breakup happening). Do not underestimate just how much your tech knows about you and your life. But DO expect them to respect your home and your privacy when they're doing their job - and when they're not.

One of the most important qualities a cleaning tech should have is Discretion. It means that if they do go home and need to tell their boyfriend, 'Whooo, there was a blowout at that house last night! I was cleaning beer off the ceiling!' They're not going to use your name. Not that the Tech's husband knows you, it's just the principle of the thing. If you have to go from once-a-week cleanings to once-a-month because your husband lost his job, you should be able to tell them this and know they're not going to go mentioning it in a way that could let other people in on your business. They should keep your keys in a safe place, as well as any personal information they have on file about you.

There is a corollary to this, though. A cleaning tech WILL call the police if they suspect something illegal is going on. If there's a funny smell and a weird homemade chemistry set in your garage, don't be surprised if the tech reports it. If they see a beaten and underfed dog chained outside, they're going to call the ASPCA (at least, I hope they will). Your tech has a right to a safe work environment, and they have the responsibility to call the authorities if they see something illegal, just like any of us do. Now, I'm pretty sure drug dealers aren't really the type to hire me to clean their countertops, but I have had to tell the office that I found somebody's, uh...cooking...spices (yeah, we'll go with that), and I've been in houses that were so very, very filthy that they actually constituted a massive fire hazard. I don't feel at all bad about A) reporting these things to my higher-ups, as I worked for a larger company at the time and it was policy to let them deal with it, and B) refusing to clean those places again. You should expect privacy and discretion from your cleaning tech, but you should NOT expect them to help you cover up when you're doing something wrong.

Notice that none of these expectations actually refer to specific cleaning chores. That's because each company and each tech is different. When you're interviewing a new cleaning service, you should ask them what they do during a basic clean, and they should tell you, SPECIFICALLY, what it is they do. Some places wash windows, some don't. Some take your trash out, some change the sheets, some do laundry...some don't. Don't expect your tech to do what you want them to do unless you've DISCUSSED with them what it is you want done. Just waving your hand and saying, 'Oh, it just needs cleaned...you know,' is NOT EFFECTIVE. I've dealt with this more times than I care to remember, and it makes for a horrible business relationship.

Next time, we'll talk about what the tech expects from you - yes, we have expectations as well. Have a happy Monday! Chase a dust bunny for me.

Hiring a Cleaning Tech, Part One

2010-10-11T09:49:00.000-07:00

Let's talk about the cleaning biz. I have a couple of bones to pick here, and I think my lovely readers will be interested in my rantings. As always, comments are more than welcome.

First and foremost here, guys. If you don't trust this person, why, why, WHY are you letting them in your house? It doesn't matter why you don't trust them - if you don't, just keep looking. It's okay. They're going to be touching all your stuff on a regular basis; you should feel comfortable with them doing so. If you don't feel like they're being honest with you about something (legal stuff, availability, the legitimacy of their business or citizenship status), then how are you going to do business with them over the course of the next few months or years?

And let me chase a certain rabbit particular to my industry for a second here: I am absolutely, positively, without a doubt, NOT one of those wacky deport-everyone-who-looks-different types. I think that particular system is broken in a bad way, and needs to be fixed. But while I write my Congressman and wait for that to happen (Oh, the geologic pace of American politics), I'm forced to look at the situation as it is. If a company is hiring people under the table, A) they're unfairly undercutting my prices, which are quite reasonable in the first place, and B) they're doing that by cheating their employees.

There's a reason I went into business for myself - a LOT of cleaning companies treat their employees like ass. If someone shows up and says, "Hey, you can pay me well under minimum wage, if you just don't ask too many questions and pay me cash," the unscrupulous amongst my colleagues will jump at this chance. Woohoo, cheap labor! But can you see the problem here? As a business owner, you know this person's in the country illegally, and you know they really, desperately need the money. If you're a good person, you help them get citizenship and pay them a decent wage; maybe throw some benefits in there for good measure so their kids don't die of preventable childhood illnesses.

BUT, if you're a money-grubbing jackass, you realize that you have complete and total control over this person now. At this point, you have all you need to turn them over to INS if they don't do what you say. You wanna cut their pay? What are they going to say to you about it? It's not like they're in a position to bargain for better working conditions.

This sort of thing happens more often than you'd think, and it's some of the shittiest, most unethical business practices I've ever seen. They're taking someone who wants to work, who is trying to provide for their family by doing manual labor, and they're taking advantage of their poverty and their desperation and their understandable ignorance of a confusing and broken system. Why would you treat another person this way? They come to you looking for work, afraid of being arrested but needing to eat and buy their kids a pair of shoes, and you cheat them? How do these business owners sleep at night? Maybe they rationalize it by saying, 'Well, some pay is better than no pay for them, right?' And then they light up a fat cigar and look over their stock portfolios that have grown fatter on the extra profit they've accrued by not having pay employment taxes on half their workers. Way to be altruistic, guys.

And what do these cleaning techs do? They may or may not speak the language, they're getting paid peanuts, and they're in your house. Do you really think that twenty on your dresser is not tempting? Yes, some of the techs are just dishonest and pad their pockets by stealing from their clients, and those guys should be summarily fired. But I firmly believe that there are those out there who steal because they can't afford to both pay rent AND buy groceries that month.

Wanna know a good way of deterring this sort of thing? For one, know the cleaning service you're hiring. Research them, Google them, contact the Better Business Bureau or the Chamber of Commerce about them, and make sure their hiring practices are sound. Make sure they treat their techs well.

Another good way of doing this is to request the same tech each time they send someone to clean for you. Smaller companies try to do this automatically, but the bigger ones may just send whoever's available. Try to avoid this, as it puts a lot of different people in your house over the months, and the Law of Averages says there's a better chance of one of them being a little shady. Also, this means you can get to know your tech - their name, if they have family, if they're working through school, whatever. It's easier on both sides if there's at least a little bit of dialogue there. Even just a friendly, 'Good morning, Nancy! How was your weekend?' can remind your tech that they're cleaning for a person, not just a building. And if you care, then they're likely to care as well.

But really, the best way to keep your cleaning tech honest? Tip Them.

No, I'm serious. Be there when they show up to clean, and give him or her a twenty to thank them for their effort. Don't leave it out, as that sets a bad precedent, and a lot of techs aren't allowed to take tips unless the homeowner personally hands it to them. I know it's a bit of a stretch, because you're already paying the company all that money just to come out, but remember that around 80% of that couple-hundred a month you send the office, just stays in the office. It goes to the owners and managers and admins and bills and overhead, and whatever's left over goes to your tech. Same as the waitstaff in a restaurant; you know they get paid around $3 an hour to run their butts off bringing you food, so you tip them. Or you should. People don't realize this, but it's a similar situation with your cleaning tech. They may get more like $7 or $8 an hour, but trust me, the people in the air-conditioned office are making more like twice that. And your tech is the one sweating over your grimy floors. Shouldn't he or she be the one getting some gratuity here?

Aside from the fact that they deserve it, if your tech is grateful to you for being awesome enough to tip them, they're far less likely to want to take your stuff. Same thing as tipping the valet to not ding your car when he parks it. You know he's going to be more careful, because hey, dude just gave me twenty bucks! Alright! I will work harder for him now, even if I don't consciously realize it.

Since I'm a one-woman cleaning operation, the tipping thing isn't as big of a deal with me. But I know a lot of my readers live in other areas and therefore cannot hire me. So I want to educate you guys on how to hire a cleaning tech - because you are hiring them. They're your employee. You have to think like a manager when you're dealing with them, or else they're just going to do whatever they feel like doing and call it good. If a manager gives her employees clear directions and goals, she gets the most productivity out of her team. Same with cleaning. If you just expect them to show up and automatically know that that one really high shelf drives you crazy if it's not dusted, you're going to be disappointed and upset, and it's going to be your fault. It's your house. You set the expectations. If you don't, then you're just going to have to take what they give you, and that makes nobody happy.

A byproduct of actually managing your cleaning tech with clear communication, positive feedback, and suggestions for improvement, is that your tech will feel better about working for you. You're not some faceless jackass with a way-too-fancy house. All of a sudden, your tech knows you, knows how you like things done, and is happier to do that work because he or she knows how to make you happy and keep you on as a client. Don't you hate it when your boss says, 'Oh, just figure it out?' Wouldn't you rather have a deadline, a priority list, a goal for your workday? Well, so would we. It's far more satisfying that way. I'm not saying nitpick them to death - that usually ends poorly - I'm just saying you should communicate with the people working for you. Let them know what you need, want, and expect. And thank them for their hard work. They're making your life easier, after all.

Next time I get around to posting, I'll talk about what you should expect when you're hiring a cleaning tech or service. And since it's a two-way street, the post after that will be about what they expect from you. Get ready to have your mind thoroughly blown; I can easily say that a lot of you will not have heard this stuff before.

Happy Monday!

Random update-like post

2010-09-14T16:52:00.000-07:00

So, I text-message broke up with The Mighty Bucks yesterday. Oh yes, it was epic. Okay, not exactly epic, but it's done, and now I can start the cleaning biz, and train for the Climb, and write fiction, which I will probably post here. Good times indeed.

I have a houseguest this week! My friend and fellow Bruceling, Erin, is in between apartments so we're putting her up for a few days. It makes me happy. Partly because she rules, and partly because she's currently cooking. Nom.

Tomorrow's agenda: go by the bank to set up a business checking account, scout out carpet extractors (another excellent and wonderful friend offered to front me the money for a carpet cleaner in exchange for discounted cleaning - holy crap!), and probably put new tires on the car so I can get it re-inspected (yaaaay *scowl*). Ah well, I get to sleep late before I go do all that!

Sir Buster is playing with Erin. It's horribly amusing, as she got sweaty earlier today and Buster loooooves licking people's skin after they've been sweating. Gross, but hilarious when he sneaks up and tries to give you a thirty-minute ear cleaning.

Of smells and their removal

2010-06-27T15:56:00.000-07:00

Evening, dear readers! I'm actually going to get serious with you for a minute, something I generally try to avoid on this blog, as there's just far too much seriousness in our world already. But I found some articles that touch on what I consider one of my missions in life. I found this one through my Facebook feed and wanted to share it - it's a blog post from Non-Toxic Kids about fragrances in cleaning chemicals. The article also links to this PDF from Women's Voices for the Earth, which I find interesting so far, but it's a bit intense and I'll need to do a lot of cross-checking to see how much of the article is flash and how much is substance. Give it a read, though, and let me know what you think. I'm not here to mete out wisdom from on high, I'm here to share my knowledge and encourage rhetoric.

I am a firm supporter of Green Cleaning, as I feel that a house smeared in chemical residue isn't actually clean, and Americans' tendency to freak out and disinfect everything they can see is actually increasing the occurence of things like allergies and auto-immune disorders. We have immune systems for a reason, and it's just plain evolutionarily unsound to not give them a workout.

However. Continued exposure to cleaning chemicals has led to allergies and/or asthma in many, many cleaning techs I have talked with, including myself. I had very severe bouts of bronchitis when I was cleaning two houses a day, five days a week, and now I'm hypersensitive to several mainstream cleaning products, chief among them Scrubbing Bubbles (oh the wheezing). I now feel it my duty to warn my friends, as well as the general populace, about how debilitating chemical sensitivity can be, and how easy it is to avoid it entirely by simply wearing a filter mask when you clean. If you're exposed to any chemical for long enough, there is a good chance you'll become allergic no matter how you react now, so the 'but I don't have allergies' argument doesn't actually apply here. I wasn't allergic to cleaning chemicals until I was inhaling them for thirty hours a week.

This is why I try to offer you guys alternatives to the chemical stuff, and to teach you chemical safety to reduce your exposure to all this junk - some of which doesn't even show up on the label, such as the generic 'fragrance.' Legislation for food and medicine is very thorough, but when it comes to cleaning chemicals it's actually pretty lax. So be aware of what you might be exposing yourself (and your pets, and your kids) to. I'm not saying throw out everything in your cleaning bucket and fear the evil manufacturers, I'm just saying 'be informed.' Read labels, especially the safety warnings. Don't expose yourself to something that's supposed to dissolve soap scum if you don't have to. Remember that kids and pets are smaller than we are, so it takes less chemical exposure to make them sick than it does us. Just use some common sense and educate yourself about what you're using around your house, and if you find a chemical-free cleaning method, on this blog or elsewhere, that works just as well as the chemicals, I'd suggest picking the green option. It can't hurt, and it might even help.

If you're of the activist mindset, take a look at The Household Product Labeling Act of 2009, and ask your Congressman to support this bill. If we're going to spray it into the air or smear it over our counters, we should really know what 'it' is.

Oh, and the chemical that got the cat-stank out of our comforters? Vinegar. White vinegar. You could drink it and it wouldn't hurt you, although it would taste yucky. I dumped a couple 'glugs' from a big gallon bottle of vinegar into the pre-wash compartment of my washer, and used Method laundry soap in the regular wash compartment, and washed it on 'please wash this for an extra long time, kthx.' I used warm water on some and cold on others, and it doesn't seem to make a big difference. Stank came right out. Vinegar also worked on my horrendously sweaty work clothes. I am now a fan, and use it in my laundry on a regular basis.

Be informed, be healthy, and be clean. Go forth and educate yourselves, my people, for bronchitis sucks ass and inhalers are expensive! So sayeth the Cleaning Bird ;)

Quick Post: The Battle of the Cat-Stank

2010-05-29T09:39:00.000-07:00

Yeah, so I was supposed to talk about move in/move out cleans in my next post, but I got sidetracked by some things. Namely, washing our guest bedding and realizing that one of our cats (the one who's an asshole) had gotten angry at us for moving him and released his anger...and his bladder...on my sweetie's comforter.

Now, I love my sweetie, and he loves his cats, and to be honest, I love his cats too when they're not peeing on things or making my eyes burn or scratching my furniture or yowling at the bedroom door at one in the morning...what was I talking about?

Anyways. So the cats are here to stay, since I'd have a lot of relationship problems if I killed them, and they're warm in the winter. Which means I have to suss out an effective way of getting rid of that Cat Stank so that we can salvage his mattress and comforter. Yes, both cats are neutered, and this isn't a problem either of the cats have been known to have before, so we're both hoping it was a short-lived protest at having a new house, litter box, and sleeping arrangements all at the same time.

We got a new washer and dryer last week, and they are The Awesome. So naturally, my first endeavor involved just washing the comforter with regular detergent. Alas, the Cat Stank remains. So I've lined out some different options I'm going to try, and I'll report back to you fine people which ones, if any of them, are effective in making the comforter smell like a comforter and the mattress smell like a mattress.

Regular detergent helped, but didn't cure, the comforter, and Febreeze helped, but didn't cure, the mattress, much to my dismay. So the next things I'm going to try, in order, are as follows:

-White vinegar, in the washing machine and diluted in a spray bottle for the mattress
-Color-safe bleach for the comforter
-Look up some commercial pet-urine removal products for laundry and upholstery, and take those for a test drive

If one works, I obviously won't need to try the following ones. But I do have an extra throw blanket that's a bit smelly as well, so I'll keep that one handy in order to give my dear readers some good information on removing this particularly stubborn and (to me, anyways) really annoying smell.

Wish me luck! And if you have any suggestions beyond what I've already tried, feel free to chime in. I will request that you actually leave a comment on the Blogger site, so that everybody can see it. If you use Gmail, you already have a Blogger account and can sign in with your Gmail information to post a comment. I'd very much like to get the whole Cleaning Bird community onto one site, if I can.

The Forgotten Realms of Kitchen Cleaning

2010-05-18T15:32:00.000-07:00

So I guess I've created a Facebook page, or something. I hate Facebook generally, but I'll bite the bullet and make an account for the sake of my precious blog, from which I hope to make money some day. I've also been thinking about using some of the Blogger 'make money with ads and links and stuff' tools. Yeah, if any of you ever thought this was a purely artistic endeavor, you were wrong. If I could make a living writing this blog, I'd spend all day researching, testing products, and writing cleaning posts for you crazy readers. I also just made a PayPal account for my cleaning/blogging biz, so I may put a 'Donate' button on the blog site. Not that I expect donations from, well, anybody, but if some strange person feels like supporting my strange endeavor, I wouldn't turn it down.

But enough of that, because you're here for the cleaning! Or because you're that one guy who's stalking me online, but it's more likely the cleaning. I hope. *looks over shoulder*

Right. Kitchen things you don't normally clean. We're talking about microwaves and ovens today, because I've already talked about fridges, sort of, and talking too much about them makes me have maggot-flashbacks. Read the back entries if you're curious and not hungry.

Most people only clean the oven under two circumstances. One is that you're about to move, and you figure you might as well make an effort at cleaning on the off-chance the property management will actually give back some of your deposit (ha ha ha). The other is that you were making a casserole or flan or something and a geologic event occurred or the cat jumped on the stove and -Oops!- burnt stuff all over the oven. You don't really want to put food in there anymore, but you know there's no other way to cook a frozen pizza (Yeah, you think I don't know some of you have tried it in the microwave or something?)...so, I guess we'll have to clean it, right? Right.

As far as oven-cleaning supplies go, you kind of have two ends of the spectrum: Noxious fumes that will melt your contact lenses to your eyeballs, and the green option, which takes far longer for the same results. It's honestly up to you which one you use, but let me give you the run-down on using commercial oven cleaner safely before you decide.

-Read the product label first, to make sure you're using it right. Yeah, read all of it, including what to do if it gets in your eyes.

-DON'T use oven cleaner with any other chemical. For crying out loud, it's bad enough on its own. Even the low-fume stuff is pretty harsh.

-I read in my high school science book that oven cleaner is one pH level more basic than hair removal cream, and for some reason that concept has stuck with me ever since. So, definitely wear gloves and a filter mask when working with this stuff. It's more of a 'healthy suggestion' with other cleaning products, but oven cleaner can make even the healthiest of people ill, and cause nasty chemical burns to boot. So be careful.

-When it says 'use in a well-ventilated area,' they're actually not kidding. I've gotten woozy while cleaning an oven and had to step outside. Open a window and turn on a fan somewhere, to keep some fresh air circulating.

-While I normally advocate the least-wasteful method of cleaning, I'm gonna go ahead and suggest that you use paper towels to wipe down the inside of the oven after the cleaner has soaked in, instead of your cotton rags. Mainly because all the grease and highly-flammable oven cleaner you'll be picking up shouldn't go in the washing machine. Just use paper towels for this one thing, and then bag them all up really well and take them straight to your preferred outdoor trash-holding area.

If you follow the safety precautions on the cleaner can and in this blog, you should have a relatively easy time of it. Remember that most oven cleaners will let you leave the stuff on there overnight and wipe it out the next day, to minimize scrubbing and time with your head in a fume-filled oven. Let the cleaner do the work for you, instead of trying to chisel it out and risking messing up the coating on the inside of the oven.

Now, these instructions are just for the inside of the oven itself; the oven racks should be taken out and scrubbed down with soap or Comet and a scrubby sponge.

If you want to try the green method, get some baking soda and water or Orange Stuff and mix that up into a paste. After you run a tile brush over the inside of the oven to break up what you can, spread the paste all over the oven, but especially on the parts that are coated with black stuff, scrub it in really well, and leave it overnight. The next day, take a scrubby and some water and scrub all the paste out of the oven. The baking soda is abrasive and will help break up the burned-on solid stuff in there, so that you can scrub it out more easily.

"I don't have to do that! My oven says it cleans itself!"

Yup, lots of ovens do have a self-cleaning feature. What it basically does is superheat the oven so that any organic matter gets burned to ash and falls to the bottom of the stove. I've seen it work well for a mildly- to moderately-dirty oven. But if you've got half a quiche burned into the bottom of the thing, the self-cleaning feature is a good way to start, because it will loosen up a lot of the thinner smears of burnt cheese, but you may still have to scrub out the really heavy stuff.

Okay, now that the oven's clean, let's get the inside of the microwave looking a little better. It's amazing how one bowl of tomato soup can go so horribly wrong if you don't put a paper towel over it, isn't it?

I've used Windex, and de-greasing kitchen cleaner, and all manner of other things on microwaves. But, honestly, the thing I've found that gets food off of the microwave best? Dish soap. I know, so simple you'd never think of it, right? I was surprised how much sense it made and that it wasn't the first thought I had. Just wet your scrubby sponge with hot water, squirt some dish soap on there, get it good and foamy, and go scrub! The stuff comes right off. Wipe everything dry with a rag or paper towel, and enjoy remembering what color your microwave is. Bonus feature: dish soap, while not technically 'food safe,' rinses easier and causes fewer fumes when heated than, say Windex. How do I know this? When I clean a house with dish soap, I never accidentally gas myself when I get into my car that's been sitting in the sun with my old rags in it. Gaseous Windex, though, was an eye-opening (and watering) experience. I have since acquired a plastic tub with a snug-fitting lid, that resides in the back of my vardo and holds all my cleaning chemicals. Now I only get hit in the face with fumes when I open the tub, but at least I'm outside when I do that. And my car no longer smells like a chemical treatment plant! It's a good thing.

By now, you should be quite nicely equipped to clean your entire kitchen! In the next post, I'll talk about move-in and move-out cleans, the importance thereof, and how not to kill yourself by doing it all on the day you have to turn the keys in. Have a good night!

Don't Call me 'Maid'

2010-05-12T14:16:00.000-07:00

Hey there, Cleaning Crusaders! The move is done, we're mostly unpacked, and I've gotten in the groove of my new Very Expensive Coffee location. Of course, this means I can actually start posting again! Holy carp, what will we do with ourselves?

Get clean, that's what!

I know I said I was going to write about ovens and microwaves in the next post, but, well, I don't wanna. It's my blog, so I can do things like that, y'see. It's good to be the boss. Sometimes. Sometimes it sucks, but that's another rant entirely.

No, what I want to talk about today isn't so much a way to get your house clean. I want to talk about how to the world sometimes approaches those of my noble profession, and how the world could do a far better job at this.

I've encountered a few distinct personality types who could use some advice on how to be polite to a cleaning tech or other such service provider. I present to you the following:

"Oh no, I couldn't hire a maid!!! I'd feel so awful, having 'the help' come around. I'm not a snob!"

*Sigh* This is actually the most common thing I hear, mostly from women, and it's endlessly frustrating. One, you're refusing to hire me, so I'm not making money, which is sad. Two, you're not hiring me because you think I'm a servant! Hello???

Listen. I don't think of myself as a 'servant.' I am not 'the help' by any means, and if somebody tries to call me that, you can bet they'll get whalloped upside the head with a wet mop. I'm an entrepreneur. I'm not doing this because I have no choice, or because I'm somehow lower in the social hierarchy than my clients (what is this, the 1800's?) - I'm doing this because I like it. Are you ashamed to hire a roofer to fix your leaky ceiling? Are you embarassed to have an electrician come over and rewire the dishwasher? Then why on earth are you embarassed to have someone come over to clean? We're all contractors. Yes, that's right, contractors. We do jobs that make your house better; we're skilled laborers who do the stuff that you don't want to do. If you have no weird social qualms about hiring those guys, then don't have them about hiring me. I'm just here to do a job and get paid, and hopefully make your life a little better in the process.

"I have a Maid now. I'm so important. Look, this is my servant."

See the above comment regarding a wet mop to the face-place. If for some reason you feel like the fact that I come into your home and make it clean while you're gone somehow makes you better than me, think of it this way: You give me access to your house. All your stuff. Your pets. Your kids' rooms. You let me come in while you're at work, and you expect me to do my job and respect your dwelling place. Which I will do, and I will do it faithfully. But do you really want to be snotty and condescending to the person who's in your house when you're not? Why not appreciate the person who's working so hard to make your house pretty? Why not recognize their hard work, tip them, recommend them to your friends, and tell them thank you? Don't you think this is a better way to communicate with the person to whom you gave a front door key and the alarm code?

I would never, EVER abuse my access to my clients' homes. I see that as my first and foremost duty to them, with cleaning in a close second. But, sadly, not all cleaning techs put such a high value on their integrity. A good way to make sure you get good service and no theft/vandalism/slacking from your cleaning tech, is to just appreciate them. I'll admit, I've seen people's $20 bills and piles of jewelry lying on their dressers and thought how nobody would actually notice if one necklace went missing. But I wasn't actually tempted to take anything, because I really liked those clients and thought they were cool people who appreciated me. I was more worried for them, because I knew I wasn't the only tech from my maid service who cleaned for them, and I didn't know anything about the other techs, other than that they'd gone through the same background check I had. But I don't want to steal from people I like, and I think that's true for the vast majority of people. Personally, I don't want to steal in general, at all, but when dealing with somebody you don't know personally, whose ethics you're not aware of, it seems in your best interest to make sure that they feel like they're getting adequately compensated for their work, and that they feel like you're good folk from whom it would be a bad thing to take that necklace.

***Also, I always, always recommend checking references before you hire a tech you don't know personally. See if they have liability insurance, and running a background check on them wouldn't hurt - there are websites that'll do it for under twenty bucks.***

"Sweet, some chick's gonna come clean my house! That means I get to be as messy as I want!"

Oh no. This personality type is more often male than female, by virtue of some unknown gender proclivity (read: men have no shame).

If I can't see a surface, I can't clean it. Have a little bit of common decency, and toss your dirty undies in the hamper, pull that giant hairball off the shower wall, and put the dishes in the dishwasher. A cleaning tech cleans and sanitizes the surfaces in your house; a housekeeper picks up after you, does dishes and laundry, etc. And a housekeeper gets paid a LOT MORE. Also, if your tech charges by the hour, you're going to end up paying out the nose when he or she has to spend time clearing off all the surfaces before she cleans them, and then putting all your stuff back where he or she found it. It's just better to pick up a little - clear the decks, so to speak, so your awesome tech can come in and wreak cleanliness upon your place.

"Oh no, I don't want to hire anybody, my place is soooo dirty! I'm just embarassed!"

I want to hug all of these people, and tell them their self-worth has absolutely nothing to do with the number of coffee stains on their countertops. If you need help, you need help. It's okay. Once again, you have the roofer come out when the ceiling's leaking. Nobody thinks you're a failure for being busy and needing to hire some cleaning help (and if they do, you should lock your door and not let them in next time they come around). And look at it this way: if you hire an independent tech or a small service, you're supporting your local economy and small businesses, which is a noble thing in and of itself. We need work, you have soap scum. It's perfect, really.

And if you've learned nothing else from reading this blog, I hope you've learned that, unless you have maggots in your fridge, I've seen worse.

"What are your prices? Oh. Can you charge less?"

Let's see if I can get the statistics on this one: 99.99999% of the time - no. I set my rates based on what I need to make to pay my bills, what I feel is adequate compensation for my time and effort, and what I think is reasonable for the area in which I'm cleaning. I can almost always beat the big companies in price, and I invite potential clients to get a quote from another company and bring it to me to see if I can beat it. Nobody's taken me up on that challenge yet, interestingly enough.

There's really no kinder way to put this, but asking an independent contractor to lower their prices just for you, is kind of the height of rudeness. If you can't afford it, just tell them, 'Sorry, I can't afford that,' and let them come down on the price if they're willing and able. If they're not, then sorry, no deal.

Do you haggle with the checkout guy at Wal-Mart? Do you ask your Barista why the coffee's so expensive, and if she can give you a discount because that sounds really expensive to you? Of course not; both of those people would look at you strangely and point at the amount due on the register screen.

"But you can change your prices, because it's just you!" I hear you saying.

Yes, I could. But I wouldn't make any money that way. I want to be able to live off this business, and if every business let the customers set the prices, nobody would ever turn a profit. I do love my job, and I love helping people, but since 'job' implies that I should be earning money from it, it falls to me to set my prices and hold to them, and look for clients who will pay my rates, as opposed to lowering my rates to suit individual clients.

I do lower my rates sometimes, for some people, or if I feel like the general economy is hurting enough that my current prices are keeping me from getting clients. But do you see how that's still my decision in the end, and not that of my customers? If a business owner lets every customer dictate their own prices and rules, and that business owner never sets down solid policies and a good pricing structure, then that business owner will run herself ragged and probably get very, very little profit for all that exhaustion. So when an independent contractor or small business tells you their prices, bear in mind that we do understand not being able to afford something, and that's okay. But we're trying to make a living here, and if you're not able to pay the set prices, then you may just not be a viable client for that company. Don't try to guilt the business owner into lowering their prices because you're special, and please, for the love of all that is holy, don't presume to tell them what they should be charging, especially if you've never worked in their industry before, or if you have no quote from a similar company to bring to the table. Entrepreneurs tend to be very protective of their endeavors; we put a lot of our own self-worth on the line when we're starting up a company, and someone who is not doing, and has not done, what we're doing, coming up and telling us that we should lower our prices by X amount, will really only serve to rile us up and make us not want to talk to you.

Respect people's business, and especially their right to run it their own way. We do want to please our customers, we really do, but we don't want to get walked on or pushed into not getting good pay for our labor. If we wanted that, we'd still be working a corporate job, for Pete's sake. The cool thing about being a small business owner is that we get to set the policies, and that's half the reason most entrepreneurs do what they do, because they get to be the ones in charge. So telling someone like that they need to do this to their business, or change their prices this way, is actually pretty damned rude unless you work in their industry, and even then, keep it to sharing experiences, not meting out advice from on high like you're the All-Knowing Guru of Business Practices.

Unless you are, of course. Then mete away.

In conclusion, I offer the following points:

-It's 'cleaning tech,' not 'maid' or 'housekeeper,' and PLEASE GODS not 'cleaning lady.' That sounds too much like 'cafeteria lady,' like there should be a hairnet involved. Cleaning Tech.

-Respect the people you hire, and they'll respect you. Tipping is always appreciated, but never necessary.

-If we can't see a surface, we can't clean it.

-And finally, don't haggle. We set our prices for a reason. Bring in a competitor's price and we'll talk, but don't just ask for a lower price because you don't want to pay the quoted price. That's rude.

And that's the way it is. Come back next week-or-so for more tidbits of cleaning knowledge! I'm off to drink wine with my girlfriend, and I hope you're doing something equally fun with your evening.

Kitchen Cleaning!

2010-03-11T11:01:00.000-08:00

Hey there, Internets, it's your friendly, sniffly Cleaning Bird. Oh yeah, spring has sprung in Texas, and I'm here at the house with lots and lots of tea and kleenex. You know, aside from the facial swelling and inhibited breathing, spring is my favorite season. It's beautiful out, if sneeze-inducing :P

So while I sit here wishing for new sinuses, let's talk kitchens, shall we?

What's your kitchen like currently? Can you walk into it barefoot, or will your feet get stuck? Has last month's reheated tomato basil soup fused itself to the inside of your microwave on a molecular level? Do even remember what failed recipe was in that casserole dish in the back of the fridge?

It's okay, it happens to the best of us. Kitchens and bathrooms are the parts of a house that require the most maintenance, and we're less likely to think about the kitchen since there's not, y'know, poo involved. But it's just as important to keep your kitchen clean as it is your bathroom, because food-borne illness is a very real thing, and nasty countertops can not only wreck your PB&J when you set it down, they can harbor some pretty grody bacteria that'll make you very, very sick. Also, if you're gonna be eating food that you prepare in the kitchen, you're gonna want the kitchen to smell clean. Especially if you're having company over - ask any restaurant or coffee shop manager, the smell of a place can make or break your guests' appetites, and Nasty Food Disposal Stank is not appetizing.

So what's a messy cook to do? Let's just break it down into smaller projects, and get it done.

First Things First: Countertops

Aside from the floor, your countertops are the largest horizontal surface in the kitchen, and the place where you prepare food, sit food, splash food, spill food...there's food there, alright? So this is a good starting spot; it's a noticeable thing that will make you feel like you've progressed in your cleaning once you get it done.

All you need is some Windex or diluted Orange Stuff and a rag, or even a sponge and some dish soap. If you have granite countertops, either use cleaner specifically made for that type of surface, or just the soap and water, so you don't ruin the finish.

Aside: When choosing countertops, I strongly recommend not going with granite. Oh sure, it's all trendy and whatever, but they have to use extremely environmentally harmful methods to get the granite slabs out of the earth and to manufacture them. Also, they're a pain in the arse to clean, since you can't just wipe them down with whatever. Buy a countertop that doesn't require strip-mining to produce, k?

Anyways. Pick a starting point, say, just to the right of the sink. Start wiping down the counter, and move to your right around the room, wiping everything off as you go. Just sweep the crumbs onto the floor, since you're going to clean those last anyways. Pick up any canisters or toasters or Chthulu cookie jars that are pushed back against the wall, and wipe under those. You'll be surprised at what you dig out. While you're doing that, you may want to wipe any grease or food spots off of your various appliances and jars and things, since that will help with the whole 'cleanliness' theme you're going for. Grab the toaster and shake all the crumbs out into the trash while you're at it; how long has it been since you've done that? How about those onions that are turning into trees in the corner, or the potatoes that you swore you were going to learn how to cook, but who are now setting up their own military dictatorship behind the blender? Toss out any old food you run across, or takeaway menus and bits of paper you're not using for anything other than covering up the Koolaid stain from last summer.

If you run into a really tough stain or bit of food, spray or drip some cleaning solution on it and let it sit for a few, then try scrubbing at it. If the stain still won't come out, wipe that off and get something abrasive like Comet or baking soda (remember not to mix your chemicals!), and scrub at it for a bit. If you have that really porous, white countertop material, sometimes bleach is your last option for fading stubborn stains. Just remember to wear gloves and keep the room ventilated. I hear those Magic Eraser thingies work pretty well too, although they tend to go against my 'no gimmicky disposable junk' rule. Use your best judgement there.

Next Up: The Stove (dundunDUNNNN!)

So, you've got clean countertops, and the place is looking better already, right? But now the stovetop just doesn't match, what with the exploded spaghetti sauce and Easter-egg dye all over it. Once again, Windex is good for this job, or soapy water on a scrubby sponge. If you've got one of those awesome ceramic-top stoves with no exposed burner elements, all you have to do is scrub the big dirt off with a wet sponge, then rub some Cerama-Bryte into it and wipe it off. Voila! Shiny.

But, if you have burners and drip pans and such, you have a little more work to do. Honestly, I think drip pans should only be scrubbed out to a certain extent. After a while, it's worth the $1.50 to save some time and just replace them. Whether you're cleaning or replacing, once you take the drip pans out, scrub the hell out of that nasty ring of gunk that forms under the rim of the drip pans. Yuck. You may also want to lift up the stove top itself (did you know most stoves can do that? They pop up like a car hood), and wipe out all the food that's fallen down under the burners. On some stoves, you can take the burner control knobs off and wipe under them, and you can put the knobs themselves in the dishwasher if they look super dirty.

After that, wipe down the oven door, including the handle, with a new rag so it's all shiny and stuff. If there's cabinetry under your stovetop and the oven is elsewhere in the kitchen, the oven door still needs wiping down, and so do the cabinets under the stove top, where grease and food tends to splatter. Speaking of which, don't forget the backsplash and the top of the vent hood! Grease just loves to build up on those things.

In case you haven't figured this out just yet, you're going to be going through a lot of rags when you clean the kitchen, as you'll be picking up a lot of food and grease as you go and you don't want to just smear it about. Don't stress over it, just acknowledge that you'll be running a load of laundry when you're done, and be glad cleaning rags don't require folding.

And Finally: The Sink!

Ah yes, the sink. Repository for all kinds of weird stuff. First off, clean any dishes that are in there, or at least shove them in the dishwasher and push 'start.' If there's stuff in the sink, how are you gonna clean it?

Once the decks are cleared, move any soap bottles/plugs/scrubbies from the edge of the sink over to a clean rag on the counter. Take your cleaning scrubby and rub it around the sink basin, as well as the edges and around the faucet, with warm water to break everything up and get rid of any obvious food that's stuck in there.

After that, turn off the water and sprinkle some Comet or Soft Scrub or baking soda in the sink (these all work for porcelain or steel sinks, but Soft Scrub may be less scratchy on porcelain), and scrub it around with the scratchy side of the sponge to coat the sink basin (but not the horizontal parts!) in a thick paste. While this sits, go wipe down the top and front of the fridge and dishwasher with some Windex, or stainless steel cleaner if that's the kind of surface you have - don't forget to wipe with the grain of the metal if you do have stainless! Peek around for any dusty light fixtures or flung food on cabinet fronts, and dust or wipe those off too. Then go back to the sink.

Start the water running again, and use your scrubby sponge to scrub all of the cleaner out of the sink basin, just like you did with the sinks and tub in the bathroom. Get everything washed down the drain, then spray some Windex on a rag and wipe the faucet and horizontal bits down. Use your Ex's old toothbrush to clean any gunk from around the edge where the sink meets the counter, and where the faucet meets the sink (What? Who says cleaning can't be vindictive and cathartic too?).

Once the outside of the sink is clean, wipe it all down with a dry towel to make it shiny, and then start the water running as hot as you can get it down the food disposal side. When's the last time you thought about that thing, huh?

Leaving the water running, turn the disposal on and let it run for a few seconds, then take a full-sized lime or lemon, peel and all, cut it into smallish chunks, and drop the pieces down the disposal while it's running. The citric acid will break up a lot of the stuck-on food particles that have been fermenting down there, so that the hot water can wash it all away. If you do the lemon trick once every month or two, it'll keep the Food Disposal Stank to a minimum.

And in case any of you have never been in a kitchen before, I should probably tell you to never put your hand down a food disposal, no matter what you think is stuck in there. And if you do, don't sue me because you were an idiot and lost a digit. Either disconnect the thing from its power source entirely if you know how to do that safely, or just make sure it's turned off and use a pair of tongs to grab whatever's rattling around in it. Tongs are easier to replace than thumbs, as it turns out. And if you're having an issue with the disposal and you're really not sure what's up, just bite the bullet and call a handyman or apartment maintenance. Don't make yourself bleed over a lost spoon.

So, once all that's done, all you have to do is sweep/vacuum, and mop the floors! Since we've already talked about floors in a previous post, I won't say too much about them here, except to remind you to be very, very careful on wet linoleum, as it's surprisingly easy to end up suddenly on your back on a wet floor if you don't mind your footing. Ask me how I know that; go on, ask. ;)

Right, my head's too full of pollen to come up with a clever concluding paragraph, so I'll just say Happy Spring and go take some more Claritin. Next time we'll talk about cleaning out the inside of fridges, microwaves, and ovens, how to do it safely, and the easiest way to degunkify. It's a real word. I just made it up. English majors are totally allowed to do that, yanno.

Tales of Cleaning Terror: The Fridge

2010-02-18T08:19:00.000-08:00

First off: I have six whole followers now! Awesome! It's the little things that get me through the day.

Secondly, I told you this next post would be about the Sam Raimi fridge, and it is.

Disclaimer: All of my Horror Stories are about people I no longer clean for. If I'm still cleaning for you, I won't write about your house without your permission. The names have been changed to protect the guilty (and oh man, are these people guilty).

So a friend-of-a-friend called me up, asking about my cleaning biz. They seemed like nice enough people, and willing to pay my rates (Criteria Number One for my clients), so I set up a weekly cleaning with them, very excited about the moneys I'd be making.

Now, this house was messy. I mean, obnoxiously messy. Not 'dirty,' mind you (I can handle a dirty house), but messy - piles of clothes here, craft projects there, fiften hojillion hairstyling gadgets and products on every countertop. One of my biggest rules is 'If I can't see a surface, I can't clean it.' It's your job to pick up after yourself, it's my job to scrub the dirt out of your house and make it shiny. Some clients don't understand this, but I've always managed to work with them and reach a good balance point.

So on my first clean, I talked with Mr. Messy, who was the one who contacted me. Mrs. Messy was pretty standoffish; I thought maybe she was the type who thought of cleaning techs as Servants as opposed to Contractors. I'll talk about that difference at some point; it's extremely important.

Mr. Messy was quite happy that I was whipping his house into shape. One of the things he asked me was, "We've been having a fruit fly problem lately; do you think you can do anything about that?"

I asked if they left any produce out, took the trash out regularly, things like that. He claimed they took care of those things, so I said I'd look around and see what I could find out.

During the second cleaning, I wandered past the kitchen fridge. I'd been told to help myself to a coke from the laundry-room fridge, but they'd never said anything about the kitchen fridge.

Hmmm, I wonder what kind of food they keep in their fridge...

Come on, you'd wonder something similar if you were cleaning someone's house. You can learn a lot about a person from taking a peek inside their fridge.

I wish I could un-learn what I learned when I opened this fridge.

I cracked the door a little, and the first thing that hit me was the stench of damp potting soil.

WTF???

I opened it further, then quickly shut it again and backed away from that end of the house to get my bearings.

Once the fight-or-flight response died down, I called the client.

"Mr. Messy! Hi, it's your Cleaning Bird. I think I found your fruit fly problem."

"Really? Great! What is it?"

"Umm...when's the last time you opened the fridge in your kitchen?"

Turns out it had been a while.

The motor on the fridge had gone out a few months ago, and Mr. Messy had asked Mrs. Messy to take all the food out of the fridge until he could get in there and fix it. Apparently, she didn't think the phrase 'all the food' meant... 'all the food.'

So you've got a fridge, with random condiment bottles and such in it, and a bag of flour, and various other organic matter, and it's dark and sealed up...for months. I couldn't have guessed what I would have found in there.

There were literally strands of green mold roping their way down the bag of flour, which had turned very black and soggy. Something had spilled in there, and dripped down on the shelves, and the sugar had apparently become a perfect breeding ground for fruit fly larvae. In case you don't know what fruit fly larvae are, I'll tell you, because why should I be the only one suffering?

Maggots. Oh yeah, crawly, wriggly little white things waiting to turn into fruit flies, having a little maggotty party in the fridge. I've seen some nasty things before, but the maggots nearly ended me. I thought seriously about packing up my Dyson, locking up, and just leaving the key in the mailbox and never coming back.

But then I realized that I am a Cleaning Bird first and foremost, at least to these people, and I couldn't in good conscience leave them and their child with this fruit fly breeding ground in their kitchen. I'm sure the spores all that mold was giving off would be wrecking the family's allergies, if not making them downright sick at some point. No, I had the tools to get rid of this for them, and do it without killing anybody (except the maggots) in the process, so I needed to at least give them the option of paying me to do it.

Sure enough, Mrs. Messy thought it was a spiffy idea that I handle The Fridge. She agreed to pay me what she normally would for a full cleaning, but all I'd be doing was sanitizing the fridge. In hindsight, I totally should have charged her more.

So I went into the house, armed with a bottle of bleach, some nitrile gloves (necessary when working with things like bleach...or maggots...sorry, writing about them is giving me flashbacks), and a particle filter mask because buggered if I'd be breathing that stuff in while I was cleaning it.

First, I had to bag up all the rotted food that had been in there for gods-know-how-long. It took me four trash bags, double-bagged so nothing leaked out, but I got it done, wondering who in their right mind would leave all this in a fridge the whole time.

Once all that was out, I mixed up a stronger-than-normal batch of bleach and hot water in my trusty bucket, and dropped some cleaning rags and my detail toothbrush in the solution, to soak up the sanitizey goodness. Then I just squeezed rag after rag of bleach water onto the shelves and walls, to kill everything off before I started scrubbing.

I spent the rest of the afternoon taking apart the shelving unit in the fridge, removing all the freezer drawers, dunking everything in bleach-water, and taking frequent breaks to contemplate my career choices.

Once all the removable parts were sanitized, I took rags and the toothbrush and scrubbed out every last tiny little bit of green or wriggly material I could see in the fridge itself. Didn't want anything respawning on them, after all. At some point during the clean, I may have texted a friend or two regarding the distribution of my property, should The Fridge suck me into its wriggling vortex and nevermore allow me to see the light of day. As I took a break, breathing heavily, fruit flies still buzzing around my head, I realized that there was no god. Only larvae-filled madness.

Eventually, I got everything cleaned and sanitized, rinsed my rags about fifteen times, washed all the skin off my hands, and went home to shower like I'd never showered before. Even with the filter mask, I ended up congested and sniffly for a few days just from being around the sheer amount of mold I was exposed to. In hindsight, I really should have charged them more.

So, that's the sordid tale of The Sam Raimi Fridge. I fought the Undead Mold Hordes, and I won. Because it's what I do. Except that the next time I do something like that, I'm charging double.

Tune in next week, when we'll learn about cleaning kitchens! I'll show you how to never let the above story happen to you, even though if you read the story, you should have a decent grasp of the concept already.

Bathroom Cleaning, Part III: That Sink Place

2010-02-04T06:20:00.000-08:00

Hey guys, once again, I'm not dead. Life just decided to kick my ass once again, but I kicked right back and here I am, ready for the cleanins.

So let's finally finish off this bathroom, shall we? The sink/counter area is our last battle!

Step One: Unclutter That Beast

Look at your counter. Can you see the counter? Or can you see a field of bottles, tubes, brushes, spritzer-thingies, and Those Hair Things You Saw on TV?

What were you thinking?

Grab a big basket or one of those shower caddies and put all of your product bottles in there - if you're feeling really adventurous, wipe them down with a wet rag before you do so. Wrap up the things with cords and stick them under the sink, and pick a drawer or bag or something to toss all the hair-doohickies into. Don't spend a ton of time on it (unless you really want to, of course), just get the counter cleared off. Set your baskets and bags and toothbrush holders and such just outside the door so you can put them back afterwards.

Step Two: Just Like You Did With the Tub

Like your tub or shower, your sink area gets soap scum on it. So the technique is pretty much the same, unless you have granite countertops or something crazy like that (we'll talk about special surfaces in a future post). The only difference is that, instead of spraying or splashing the water, you're gonna use your scrubby sponge. Get it wet, scrub the counters and sink basins and fixtures a little, then spray your cleaner about, scrub things down, and use the soft side of your scrubby sponge to wipe all the cleaner residue back into the sink. You may need to rinse your scrubby and do this a couple of times to make sure it's all gone. Then take a dry rag and wipe down the counter until it's nice and dry and shiny.

How easy was that? If you're feeling detail-oriented, take that old toothbrush and scrub around the base of the faucet and sink knobs, where soap scum and makeup loves to build up and look gross. Be sure and wipe the dust off any tile ledges on the sides of the counter or anything else that looks dusty or funky.

Step Three: The Mirror.

Are you or someone you love addicted to hair spray? Hair spray addiction affects millions of Americans every year, tearing apart cleaning-tech relationships and destroying bathroom mirrors.

Talk to your kids about hair spray, before someone else does.

Like this guy.

I have cleaned more hairspray-caked bathroom mirrors in my time than I want to admit. It took me around half an hour to clean this one particular Teenager Bathroom, and twenty minutes of that was the damned mirror. Thankfully, I finally learned that rubbing alcohol, while unpleasant-smelling, breaks that nasty film up quite well so that you can go back over it with your Windex and actually clean it. Using just Windex on a hairspray mirror will only lead to heartache and smeary mirrors that make you curse the big-haired person who's putting you through this new circle of Cleaning Hell.

Did you know that 'Bad 80's Hair' is an auto-fill on Google Image Search? Try it sometime.

So if you've got hair spray issues, put some rubbing alcohol or white vinegar in a spray bottle and hose down the mirror with that first, wipe it down with a clean rag, then move on to the Windex. If all you've got is toothpaste and fingerprints and water spots, then you get to skip that first part.

Now, a note on your cleaning rags. When you wash them, use bleach and hot water, and when you dry them, don't use fabric softener. For one thing, why waste it on the cleaning rags? And more importantly, the softener leaves a residue on the rags that will leave--you guessed it--streaks and woe in its wake.

So take a fresh, dry, clean, non-softened cotton rag of some sort (an old washrag or cut up towel works just fine), spray enough Windex on the mirror to cover most of the glass, but not so much that it's running freely down the mirror, then wipe it off in a circular motion with your rag. When one rag gets kind of wet or starts leaving a lint trail, switch it out for a fresh, dry one. That's the key to keeping the streaks at bay: you want to end up polishing the mirror with a completely dry rag once all the Windex is gone.

To check your work, look at the mirror from different angles. Down low, from the side, close to it, far away...all those angles will show you streaks you may have missed the first time around. Polish them up, and check out your clean sink area!

Now all you have to do is put all of your stuff back on the counter. Although, with your nice, clean bathroom, I'm kind of hoping you'll feel inspired to chuck out all the random stuff you're not using and put the stuff you are using into cute baskets or in the medicine cabinet. It'll be way easier to move it all next time the Cleaning Bug bites.

Woohoo, we made it through bathrooms! I'm going to reward myself on the next post, by telling you the sordid tale of what I've named the Sam Raimi Fridge. It'll be a good lead-in to kitchen cleaning, and a hilariously disgusting read for those of you who like tales of cleaning terror.

Alright, guys and dolls, time to put my writing into practice and go clean a couple of houses. Have a good one!

Bathrooms, Part II: Tubs and Showers

2009-12-28T13:10:00.000-08:00

Hey there Weblings, it's time to continue our series on bathrooms. Now that you've got a clean toilet, what are you to do about the tub? And furthermore, what exactly is that stuff in the grout?

The answers are here, so read on.

The tub is one of those areas that can look clean for a good, long while. But when you start noticing the soap scum, mold, and mildew, maaaan does it look bad. How on earth did you let it get this far? I thought that automatic shower-cleaner thingy was supposed to keep soap scum at bay? What the everloving Bajeezus has my boyfriend been doing in here to cause such a mess??!?

Never fear, and don't break up with him. I'm sure he's a good guy; he's just...at a genetic disadvantage. Men have what I like to call the Male Soapscum Gene. Trust me, science will come out with this in a few years, and you can say you read it here first. The Male Soapscum Gene causes bachelor bathrooms to develop such a thick skin of soap scum, so very quickly, that innocent passers-by are shocked at the Soap Scum Monster happily residing in the tub, learning a foreign language in its free time. And when you fight your way in there and get rid of it, scrubbing for 45 minutes or so at the bottom of the tub, finally dumping some Comet on there to see if that'll break it up, the only thanks you get is something like, "Why did you doooo that??? It was my friend!!!!" You think that's a joke, but I've heard it before.

As for that stuff that's supposed to spray in the shower and 'get rid of soap scum?' Remember how I was talking about toilet cleaners, and all the promises they make about never having to scrub the toilet again, and how they LIE TO YOU? Same for those guys. They lie. Plain and simple. Only manual labor will get the gunk out of your tub, so settle that with yourself right now, and maybe get some of the products I recommend to make it easier on your poor vexed self.

And how did you let it get this far? The simple answer is, It Happens. We get busy, we have jobs, families, friends, lives. We don't always think about the state of the bathtub. Don't beat yourself up over it; you have important things to take care of, and like I said in one of my first posts, you're not Wonder Woman. So instead of reproaching yourself, let's get in there and fix it while you have time! Get all your bottles, bath mats, and sundry annoyances out of the tub and stow them on a counter so we can get started.

Step One: Wet Things Down

We're going to do this by layers, to save yourself some elbow grease in the long run. Take your green scrubby and a big cup, or the detachable shower head if you have one of those (I will never have a bathroom without one, it makes things so much easier to clean). Then, just wet down the walls of the tub or shower enclosure, and the bottom of it. Run the scratchy side of your green scrubby over the tiles and the tub to break everything up. Don't lean into it just yet, just give it a good all-over rubdown.

Step Two: Spray Things Down

But Cleaning Bird, what should I use on my tub? I don't even know what's growing in there!

Here's an easy way to tell: if it's pink, it's mold. If it's black, it's mildew. Take a gander at your tub, especially around the caulking where it meets the tile and in the grout between the tiles. Anything nasty and discolored-looking there? If so, a mold-and-mildew bathroom cleaner is probably what you need. No black or pink stuff, just lots of filmy stuff coating everything and a ring around the tub? Something that busts through soap scum is what you need. Got both? Go for the mold and mildew cleaner; it should break up the soap scum as well, and the stuff that's alive should be your first concern.

***Safety Note***

Bathroom cleaners, and especially the tub 'n tile stuff, are the worst thing I've ever seen for triggering allergies or asthma. If you spend a couple days a week steeped in cleaning fumes like I do, or if your asthma or chemical sensitivity is particularly bad, invest in some white filter masks to keep the chemicals out of your lungs. Or better yet, find some chemical-free alternatives to rid yourself of Jose the Soap Scum Demon. I'll be doing an article on chemical-free cleaning at some point in the future, but there's a LOT of research and testing I need to do before I can present you guys with cohesive information on the topic. Until then, do your own research, and protect yourself as much as you can.

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Okay, so now that you've picked your poison, let's get to work. Put on your mask, turn on the vent fan, and spray the tiles and the tub down. Rub the cleaner around with your scrubby thing, doing a little extra scrubbing on the tougher or more stained spots. Stained grout needs a tile brush (stiff-bristled thing with a handle, any cleaning aisle has them), or an old toothbrush--once again, your roommate's toothbrush is a bad idea, no matter how often they forget to flush. Work on the grout as much as you can, but realize that it may take a few regular cleanings before the stuff looks brand new, if it ever does. Yep, those stains in the caulking along the edge of the tub? They may or may not come out with regular scrubbing, because the caulk is actually porous. So it might keep the stain once the mold/mildew is dead. A bleach pen can help lighten it up, though. You have no idea how many times I've had to explain this phenomenon to clients. No, it won't come clean, and no, it's not my fault. Go ahead, blame the monocellular organisms living in your tile. See how bad they feel about it.

Once you've had your fill of scrubbing (actually getting in the tub or shower stall will help you not tire as quickly), hop out onto a towel to dry your shoes and work on something else, or take a break, for about five minutes. Just let the cleaner do its work, if you have the time. You can rinse it off immediately, but it'll probably have a better effect if you let it sit for a few.

Step Three: Wet Things Down...Again!

Now that you've scrubbed and let the cleaner soak, just go in there and rinse it off! Look around and run your fingers over the surfaces to catch any places that need to be scrubbed more thoroughly, and make sure all the cleaner and hair and gunk gets washed down the drain and doesn't pool in the bottom. And look at your shiny tub! Well done, you.

Shower doors

Ugh, shower doors. I hate them so much. They're damnear impossible to completely clear of soap scum, especially if it's been there for a while, and the nastiest stuff imaginable builds up in the tracks or flashing that they sit on. Give me a shower curtain liner that I can throw out every so often; you can keep the shower doors. My best advice for these beastly things, however, is to use something abrasive, let it soak for a while before rinsing, and clean the doors often to keep soap scum and mineral deposits from building up to an unmanageable level. Also, be very, very careful when cleaning out the tracks for sliding shower doors: they're often rusty and full of nasty bits of hair and dirt and mold and stuff, and that's not an environment in which you want to cut yourself on a stray metal corner. I'd recommend shoving your tile brush in there with plenty of cleaning solution, and getting out as much goop as you can, then bringing in the toothbrush for the detail work. Lay down an old towel to absorb the water from rinsing the doors and tracks, as you're likely to end up with a wet floor by the time you're done.

How often should we clean the tub?

Like the toilet, this depends on how much traffic it gets and how clean you want it to be. With my job cleaning other people's houses and my other job slinging coffee and my two bachelor roommates using the shower as well, sometimes I just give up and let it go for a month or two, then come in with the big guns and whip it into shape. But in a perfect world, I'd be able to give it a good scrub-down once a week or so just to keep things shiny, given how many people shower in there. If it's just you using the shower, and you don't come home covered in dirt at the end of your work day, you can probably get away with cleaning your tub once a month, unless you have a mold problem or something like that. Obviously, if you dig ditches or fight fires for a living, you're going to want to clean more often, as you'll be slinging quite a bit more dirt about than the average office-dweller. If you have kids, well, they're messy beasts, so you'll need to clean more often with them as well. Or just hose them off in the back yard, but they might complain when winter hits.

A few detail points

-Check your non-slip mat every so often. Is it turning pink? Remember what we said about mold? Replace it when it starts diverging from its original color, to keep your feets healthy.

-Be sure and wipe off or dust the little ridge the tile makes when it meets the sheetrock further up the wall. That little sticking-out part traps a ton of dust, strangely enough, and the shower area won't really look clean if that part's still hairy.

-Don't forget the fixtures! Scrub those down as well, to complete the whole 'cleanliness' thing you're going for. Yes, that includes the soap holder. No, I don't know what all's been sitting on there for the past year and would rather you kept that information to yourself, thank you very much.

And that's that. A clean shower/tub, and a cleaner bathroom. Next time, we'll tackle the Gorgon that is the sink/countertop area, and finish this beast off. See you soon!

Product review time!

2009-12-18T12:53:00.000-08:00

Hey guys! Once again, long time no post. Been swept up in the holidays, among other things. But I haven't forgotten about you, oh no, I have a treat for you today: we're veering away from the series on bathrooms so that I can review a product I stumbled across the other day that surprised me. For someone who is never, ever surprised by a cleaning product, this impressed me enough to write about it.

I have a couple of friends I clean for, Lee and Michi. Excellent people they are, and their house is cosy and comfy in a way that reminds you that Real People live there. Now, both of them work, and they have a couple of cats, so they call me up for a cleaning every now and then, just to whip things into shape. On top of that, Michi is horribly, wheezingly allergic to most cleaning chemicals, so basically she calls me to clean, and then she leaves for the day.

The product she left for me to try was called 'That Orange Stuff.' No, really, that's what the bottle says. She got it at The Cupboard, one of those spiffy natural-food stores.

The bottle displayed the standard cleaning-hype: 'Cleans everything!' 'Works on tough dirt!' Uh huh. We'll just see about that. I never believe superlatives in advertising, and neither should you. But, it was a no-risk situation, because if it didn't work, I could just clean the house like I normally do. So I read the instructions and mixed up a bucket of it.

The first thing I noticed was the smell. Mmmmm, oranges. It smells just like the taste you get when you chew on a fresh orange peel: citrusy and a little earthy. Turns out, the stuff is just super-concentrated orange oil. I tossed some rags in and went to the hallway bathroom. Standard soap scum, nothing to fear. I wiped down the countertop, and that went well, and then I looked at the sink. There was actual soap scum in it. This was the real test. Is this stuff a big gimmick?

*Wipewipewipe* HOLY CARP!!!!

I wiped the soap scum out of this sink basin. Like, really. Didn't scrub, wiped. With a wet rag soaked in this stuff. I was gobsmacked. I spent like a minute and a half staring confusedly at the clean sink.

Then I went to find other things to clean with it.

I dumped a teaspoon into the toilet bowl, swished it around, and let it soak per the instructions. *ZAP!* Scrubbed the stains right out with the regular toilet brush. I even took a soaked rag and wiped it across that flat part behind the seat, and it took off a sticker that I'd been trying to scrub away since I started cleaning their house, in two swipes with the rag.

Well, then, this is exciting. I mean, this is some good shit. I did have to soak a scrubby sponge in the stuff to get out some thicker soap scum in the master bath (that's always the scummiest one in any house, just because it's used more often), but out it came. The shower got clean, and my hands smelled like freshly-peeled orange instead of a toxic waste dump. My allergies were so happy! I was all breathing and not coughing and stuff, it was awesome. It didn't irritate my skin either, and I didn't have to wear gloves, although the bottle says it might on some people or if you handle it undiluted.

Time for the kitchen. The stovetop, like all stovetops, had dried-on food splats on it. *Wipewipewipe* *Scrubscrubscrub* Gone! The microwave--not a problem. I even partially cleaned the oven with this stuff. The Oven, people. It still needs some EasyOff to completely finish the job, but Lee and Michi both pronounced the oven 'much better than it was.' I'll call that success.

I still used Windex on the mirrors (it's what I'm comfortable with, and until you show me something that works better and streaks less, that's what I'm using, and natural-based floor solution on the floors, just because I didn't want to run another bucket for mopping. Basically, I cleaned the majority of the hard surfaces in that house with half a small (8 oz) bottle of the stuff. And then I stood around gap-jawed, looking at the Clean all about me and smelling the tasty orange scent.

Michi did not have an allergy attack when she came home, I did not have an allergy attack that evening...all was well in Allergy Land. I am officially sold on this product. If you only clean your house once or twice a month, this stuff is stupidly cost-effective, as it replaces a ton of bathroom cleaners and grease-cutters. For the surfaces you do have to scrub at, the effort I put in was comparable to what I've had to do with standard cleaners. And the label says you can sprinkle some baking soda on a surface to give it some grit to work stains out. Oh, and since it's orange oil, it totally repels fleas and bugs and such.

So there you have it. Orange Stuff. Get you some.

Next time I post (can't promise it'll be next week, but you never know!) we'll go back to the bathroom posts and talk about how to get that shower/tub to not embarass you in front of houseguests. Hope everyone's having a fun holiday season!

Bathroom Cleaning, Part I: The Toilet

2009-10-20T15:07:00.001-07:00

Hey there blogosphere, my apologies for not checking in with you in a bit. I just got (mostly) through moving and decided to take some time to actually write a post! One day, I will update this thing on a regular basis. I am determined.

So I've moved into a big house with some friends, which is awesome for me, because nothing makes my birdie soul happier than a big house full of people. Of course, every new situation comes with new challenges, and mine is that I am now sharing a bathroom with two bachelors. You understand the subject of the next few posts now.

The bathroom isn't horrendous, as my awesome landlords live in the house as well, and the wife part of that duo swiped at it with a mop and sponge before I moved in, bless her. But the place needs a deep cleaning, which is where I come in. We're going to take things one area at a time, because I know cleaning an entire bathroom can seem overwhelming when you look at the whole thing in all its soap-scummy glory.

Even toilets that aren't used need cleaned every now and then, because water sits in them. Clean water, sure (one would hope...), but even clean water has a little bit of mineral content and sediment and such in it, and that will stain the bowl with that fascinating ring right at the water level. Also, the underside of the rim of the bowl is porous, since it doesn't have the smooth dirt-repelling porcelain finish on it. This means that bacteria, mold and mildew will grow up under there and get all nasty and stuff. So a regular scrubbing just to knock that stuff loose is essential, because you don't want those weird stains becoming a permanent part of your bathroom decor. Or at least, I don't.

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Okay, before we go any further, allow me to shatter some of your dreams about toilet-cleaning. There are a LOT of products out there that promise you'll Never Have to Clean Your Toilet Again OMG! Stuff you put in the bowl, or stuff you put in the tank, or stuff that convinces your toilet to accept Jesus and quit being a jerk to everybody. Whatever. Check the cleaning supplies aisle next time you go to the store; there's a miriad of products that are making money off of the claim that you won't have to clean your toilet if you just use this stuff.

Look at me. Are you looking? Stare into my pixels, so I know you're paying close attention.

These products lie to you.

All of them. You will always have to clean a toilet in some way or another, or it will become foul. It's like the plaque on your teeth (you're gonna love this analogy, just wait)--you can't just rinse your mouth out a lot and expect it to stay clean. Your dentist will have a field day in there, with all his pointy, noise-making torture objects. You need some manual effort, like from a toothbrush and floss, to move the gunk away. Same thing with the toilet. You gotta scrub it.

Thankfully, most toilets only really need a good cleaning once a month. If you have hard water or your bathroom gets a lot of traffic, you might want to clean it more often. I would definitely recommend twice a month if you have small children, just because the little beasts are messy and also prone to various stomach ailments and things that they bring home from day care and school.

So, am I going to need some super-fancy toilet cleaner or some specialized brush for this job?

Come on now, have I ever steered you wrong? I will always be a staunch proponent of the manual-labor approach to cleaning as opposed to the pay-money-for-gimmicky-disposable-stuff approach. I want you to get the job done properly, so you don't have to do it as often. See how this works out in your favor? The Cleaning Bird's got your back.

So let's talk supplies. Here's what I gather up when I'm going to clean a toilet:

-Two or three cleaning rags

-Some type of bathroom surface cleaner, whatever you use on the rest of the room

-Toilet bowl cleaner (I like the Clorox kind, with the really thick gel)

-A toilet brush

And, seriously, any toilet brush will do. Get the generic one that has a handle and a thick wad of stiff bristles at the end. They're cheap, which means you can replace them when they get grungy, and nearly all of the ones I've seen come with a little holder so you can set it on the floor next to the loo to remind you to use it every now and then.

Okay, got your gear? Let's clean that toilet! Take the random bath products and magazines off the back of the tank and let's get busy.

Step One: Flush

This loosens up anything that's stuck to the sides of the bowl and helps the bowl cleaner work better.

Step Two: Spray

While the toilet is filling back up, put the lid down and spray the outside of the toilet with your bathroom cleaner. Get the top of the tank, that back part behind the seat hinge that gets all nasty, the front of the bowl, and the sides of the thing down by the bolts. Then lift up the lid and spray the underside of that and the top of the seat. Then lift up the seat and spray the underside of it and the top rim of the bowl. Don't spray the inside of the bowl, as this is for the gel cleaner, and we don't mix our chemicals, do we?

Step Three: Squirt

Squirt the gel toilet bowl cleaner around the entire underside of the edge of the bowl. Use plenty of it so that it runs down the sides and clings.

Step Four: Scrub

Close the lid again, and get your rags. You're going to wipe down all the surfaces with bathroom cleaner on them, in the order that you first sprayed them. Outside, lid, seat, etc. Wipe off any dust or stains on there, and don't forget to wipe the floor around the toilet while you're down there. It's much easier than trying to wedge a mop in there most of the time. When a rag gets too damp or starts leaving a dust-trail, toss it on the floor and grab a fresh one. Get any dirt out from around the floor bolts, the bottom of the toilet where it meets the floor, and the seat hinges with an old toothbrush and wipe them off well (optional).

Then, once everything but the bowl is clean, get your toilet brush. Start under the rim and scrub all of that, dunking your brush in the water every now and then to keep things fresh. Then work your way toward the hole getting all 360 degrees of toilet bowl as you go. Twist the brush around in the drain hole a little, tap the water off of the brush, and put it back in its handy holder.

Step Five: Flush

Flush away all the stuff you just cleaned off, leaving yourself a shiny, clean toilet!

Look at that! Your bathroom is on its way to being properly clean! Aren't you happy? Doesn't that seem like a much nicer toilet to sit on than the one you came home to yesterday? Your dog's going to be thrilled to drink out of a toilet that clean. Now toss the rags in the washing machine, wash your hands with soap, and be proud of that toilet.

The next post will continue our bathroom adventures (I'm pretty sure that would only be a non-awkward statement on this blog), as we work toward having a bathroom you're not embarassed to have company use. See you next week!

Bring out yer dead!

2009-09-25T08:53:00.000-07:00

Oh yeah, it's flu season. Various reputable and even downright silly news sources are talking about H1N1 and how it's spreading and if they're going to get a vaccine out soon. The Caffeination Station where I expend most of my mental health these days is frequented by a lot of nurses and other hospital workers, who have all warned me that they're seeing lots of flu patients right now, and to wash my hands--thankfully, watching some jackass lick his fingers before peeling off dollar bills to pay you for his Grande coffee with two equals and cream is enough to make one wash their hands for the rest of eternity. Never let me see you doing that. You might be that one person who makes me snap.

So, as someone who's interested in cleanliness, and as someone who's forced to handle money on a regular basis, you can bet that I'm also interested in avoiding the flu. I'm sure my doc would prefer that as well, since she'd rather not see my asthmatic self go into respiratory arrest and stop paying her because I'm dead. Apparently I'm in a high-risk group for flu now that I have asthma. Go figure.

As usual, I want you guys to stay informed and do your research--that's the first step I'll advise in a lot of situations. The CDC has useful info on Swine Flu, how to avoid it, what to do if you get it, and even what and how you should clean when someone in your house has it. Also, because I'm a gigantic dork, I follow them on Twitter for handy updates and stats and things.

Now that you know what the disease officials say, here's what the cleaning official (that'd be me) has to say: keeping your place clean can and will keep you healthier. You may not avoid the flu entirely, but the state of your house affects the state of your health. Think about it: if you're inhaling dust and dirt and mold spores in the place you live, and your allergies are going full-tilt because you stick your face in cat hair every night when you go to sleep, your body's not going to be able to handle it when a flu virus comes in. Do you ever have people come over? What sort of buggies are they bringing in from the outside, that are getting recirculated through your central air system because you never open the windows?

Introduce some cleanliness into your lives. Here's a quick flu-preparedness cleaning list that will get some fresh air in and some germs out. And remember, all of this advice is on top of the common-sense advice that if you're sick, you should go to the doctor. Don't mess around, get some medical care so you don't make everyone you know sick as well. That's the wrong way to share the love, in my opinion.

If no one in your house is sick:

-Open a window every now and then. Get some fresh air circulating. It's fall now, and the weather's nice. Even ten minutes with one window open will help your house breathe a little, and airflow helps keep germs from breeding (which is why we let our mops dry outside, right? Right).

-Wash your towels on a regular basis. That includes bath towels, kitchen towels (how many times have we forgotten about those?), hand towels, and that washrag you've got wadded up in the corner of the shower. We rub these towels on our faces and hands and other bits, and then leave them sitting there. Change out your towels once a week, and wash the dirty ones on hot water. Bleach isn't necessary, but if you want to use it, go right ahead. Usually, just washing them on 'hot' and tumble-drying will kill off any nasties that have been breeding in there.

-Wash your sheets. I know, it's been a while, right? The thing is, we sweat when we sleep, even if it's just a little. And we drool, and our noses run, and all of that gets in our sheets. If we're starting to get sick and we go to bed with a fever, that fever will probably break while we're sleeping, and then our sheets are all nice and germ-ified from sweating out the illness. So go get your sheets, wash them on hot, and open a window in your room until the laundry's done. Let some air get at the mattress and pillows and such.

-For the love of all that is holy, clean your bathroom. You know, the place where you spit toothpaste and blow your nose and go to hork up that big chunk of unpleasantness when your allergies are running rampant. Scrub the sink, tub, countertops, and toilet with some tub 'n tile cleaner. I'll talk about bathrooms in the next post, so that we all know how to do it up properly.

-Take care of yourself. Eat some veggies on occasion, drink plenty of water, and take your vitamins. Go to sleep at night instead of playing Halo; it'll probably do you some good.

And if someone in your house is sick:

-First off, the above still apply. Keep things clean, keep airflow going, etc.

-Secondly, grab some antibacterial cleaning wipes (Lysol and Clorox both make them), and wipe down your doorknobs, sink fixtures, and toilet handles before you go to bed at night. Normally, I'm not a fan of using chemical disinfectant on everything we touch, because I'm of the opinion that our immune systems have no idea what to do with a real virus if we're sanitizing everything we come into contact with. But when someone already has the flu, our immune systems have enough to deal with, and I bust out the chemicals. One of these days, I'll talk about non-chemical alternatives that keep you clean without that bleach smell that so many of us dislike or are sensitive to.

-Thirdly, go back to that CDC site I linked above and check out how to handle caring for someone with the flu. Their advice is sound, and pretty much what I would have said, but with more science behind it. Keep the person to themselves as much as possible, watch for any warning signs of complications, and make sure they have fluids and such.

In short, clean things that we touch with our germy selves, open a window, and go to the doc if you're sick. Also, wash your hands a lot, especially if, like me, you come into contact with a lot of random people in the course of your workday. Stay healthy, all!

Next week's post will be about bathrooms, since I have to clean mine anyways to get ready to move next month. Fun will be had, and sinks will be scrubbed. Have a great weekend!

Yarrrrr, cleaning post ahoy!

2009-09-19T06:55:00.000-07:00

That's right, it be International Talk Like a Pirate Day, mateys. That means that today's post will be about swabbin' the deck! Yes, today we will talk about floors and the best tools for de-gunkifying them.

Unless you live in a mud hut in Africa (in which case, how do you get the internet out there?), your dwelling has some kind of flooring material. Most likely, you've got a combo of carpet and hard floor going on, so we're going to go over the various types of flooring I've encountered, and what I've seen as the best products to clean said floors. It really all comes down to using the right tools for the job. Let's start with the easy area, shall we?

Carpet:

I think we're all aware that the one thing a place with carpet needs is a vacuum cleaner. I can hear the bachelors and college students now: "Ooh, ooh! I totally have one of those! My friend Stumpy freecycled it to me out of his garage!"

Right.

The thing about vacuums is, you get what you pay for. No, really. I've probably used every major brand of vacuum cleaner in America at this point in my Cleaning Bird career, and the only constant in the world of vacuums is that if you bought it because it was cheap, the only thing it will do for you is 'not cost much money.' There are definitely affordable vacuums out there that will do a good job, but I promise you that they will cost more than $50.

"Maaaaannnnn, that's lame! I don't wanna pay that much for something I'm going to use once a year, maybe!"

*Slowly replaces Baseball Bat of +4 Instruction with Wand of Information*

Okay, I get it. We're in a recession, and not everybody shares my love of quality cleaning supplies (although, if you're reading this blog, I'm going to assume you have at least a passing interest--and that you vacuum more than once a year. Don't make me come find you). I don't want you to break the bank on something ridiculously expensive. I'm as much a bargain hunter as anybody--being underemployed tends to necessitate some strict budgeting. However, it is possible to get the most bang for your buck, and if you buy a good quality vacuum, it will last you for years, instead of buying a cheap one that's going to burn through a belt and a motor in under a year. I've seen it happen.

So instead of buying the cheap thing that you'll have to replace four times before you break down and buy a decent machine, spring for a better product. Buying quality saves you money in the long run, and it does a better job. If you're paying for it, it might as well do what you want it to, right? I got my Dyson well over a year ago, and since then I've used it once or twice a week, on average. I've used it on different floors with differing levels of ground-in dirt and crud, and I store it in the back of my Vardo when I'm not using it because lugging it up three flights of stairs is a pain.

This is a vardo. No, it's not actually what I drive. But if it were in any way practical, I totally would.

I have not had to replace one single part on this vacuum cleaner. I don't have to buy bags for it. The only thing I've ever had to do for it is to take off the guard around the brush roll and snip out the gigantic hairball that builds up after about a month or so and covers up the bristles (which you should do with any vacuum, btw. If you're wondering why yours doesn't seem to be picking things up as much as it used to, inspect the brush roll and see if there's not half a cat wound around the bristles). Its bare floor setting actually works on bare floors OMG. I've seen maaaaybe one other vacuum, I wanna say it was a higher-end Hoover, that could boast that. Most vacuums have this fake bare-floor setting that really just skitters all your dirt and Cheezy Poof crumbs up under the kitchen cabinets and onto the baseboards. The Dyson has a HEPA filter and is one of the best things EVAR for getting rid of pet hair and dander and keeping allergies to a minimum. It also has all manner of nifty attachments for getting dust and mites and hair and such out of pretty much anything you own.

Now, did I pay $450 for my Dyson? Please. I got a refurb off of Woot.com for around $200. And it still works that well. Woot has a different deal every day, so I just set the site as my homepage for a while and checked it until they were selling Dysons. Use the Internets to your advantage, kids. I googled 'refurbished Dyson' and got a ton of links, including one to the refurb page of the official Dyson website.

Okay, I'm through extolling the virtues of Dyson (for now). My point is, buy for quality, and do your research. Ask your friends if they like their vacuum, check some reviews and forums, and be informed before you buy. Yes, you do get what you pay for, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't hunt for a bargain.

Tile and Linoleum:

Alright, you've got a good vacuum. Sweet, your carpet will be in good shape. Now, what about the tile in your kitchen? That weirdly-patterned linoleum in the laundry room? Gotta clean that, right?

You're gonna need something to get up the dry dirt, and something to get up the stuck-on dirt. Your simplest option? These innovative contraptions known as a broom and a mop.

I like the control of a broom better than a vacuum for getting the dry dirt off of my own hard floors. This is mainly because I don't have vast expanses of floor, so it's just easier to snag the broom and sweep under all the cabinet edges. I have been known to use the vacuum's hose attachment if I'm in a hurry, though. Thankfully, brooms are easy to shop for: get one with synthetic bristles, that are cut at a bit of an angle. Really, that's all you need. The natural bristle ones tend to shed and splinter and just be annoying, and the synthetic ones are cheaper and last longer.

Now, mops are a bit of a different story. You've got your string mops, your rag mops, your sponge mops, your Sh-mops...there are a lot of options. What I look for when picking out a mop is A) One that has some kind of device to help wring it out, and B) One that will grow as little bacteria as possible. The problem with mops is that they're wet and porous, which is where bacteria just love to party. In order to minimize this, I prefer mops like this one. They're cheap, they don't break down too quickly, and the rag strips are thin, so that air can get to more of the mop, discouraging bacteria buildup. Also, they have a wringer attached, so you're not sticking your hands in mop water.

If you really want to go high-class, I would recommend one of the above Sh-mops. These are especially awesome if you clean other people's houses, or if you have a large floor area to mop. They work great, they get the job done quickly, and you just take the cloths off and wash them with hot water and bleach. No chance of bacterial funk. They're absolutely awesome, and well worth the cost. I'm probably going to be investing in one once my trusty WondaMop bites the dust. The only drawback is that you do have to dunk the cloths in the mop water and wring them out with your hands. But honestly, it's a good trade-off for how much floor area these things cover at one time. You can always put gloves on if you're sensitive to cleaning chemicals.

The type of mop I do not recommend, ever, is a sponge mop. Bleargh. It's just a big sponge--do you know how much bacteria those things hold? I don't care if you store it outside, those things are going to mildew and get nasty so quickly, and you're going to pick it up and rub it over your floor. EW. They also break down way more quickly than a rag or string mop, so in a relatively short amount of time, you're going to end up with little annoying bits of sponge on your floor. I'm on a mission to get my clients to throw out their germ-ridden sponge mops in favor of something equally cheap but waaaay more effective.

"Okay, so I'm going to get a good mop. What floor cleaner should I use?"

Good question! The majority of this answer will come down to what smell you want permeating your house for a bit, and what kind of floor you have. Most standard cleaners (Fabuloso, Mr. Clean, whatever says it's made for floors) work just fine on linoleum and most types of tile. If in doubt, read the product label to see if it's not recommended for a certain type of floor, and if you just got some fancy new flooring put down, check with the manufacturer or your interior designer to see what they recommend you clean it with. Remember to follow the instructions on the bottle, and never mix your chemicals.

Hardwood Floors:

Ahhh, hardwood. Makes a beautiful floor, but if you don't maintain it properly, it'll start to look like ass with a quickness. The trick is to take care not to scuff it, and to clean the parts you walk on regularly with a cleaner that also treats the wood and doesn't take the finish off. To that end, always, always use a cleaner that's made specifically for wood floors, and follow their instructions. That will be pretty much all you use that cleaner for, and that's okay. Once again, if you paid that much for hardwood floors, buying quality is your friend. Like with fancy tile and such, check with the manufacturer to see what they think should be used on your hardwood, or ask the previous homeowners what they used on it. Also, always use a very slightly-damp mop, and mop with the grain of the wood to keep it from looking streaky.

The one product I won't ever recommend for hardwood is that Orange-Glo stuff. It looks nifty at first, but with regular usage it puts this waxy buildup on the floor that takes forever to clean back off.

"So hey, I got this coupon in the mail for this cool nifty floor-cleaning gadget that says it's all super easy and stuff!"

I always tell people, "It's your house. At the end of the day, use what you feel comfortable using." But I'm never going to recommend some super-nifty gimmick thing that claims it'll cure all your cleaning woes. Mainly because those people lie. They want to sell you a thing. And, more importantly, they want you to come back every month or so to replace the cleaning solution/cleaning pads/whatever-it-is that they only give you a limited supply of at first. How many of us have an empty Wet Jet thingy sitting in the closet, because we can't be arsed to go buy more solution for it? A big ol' bottle of Fabuloso works just as well (if not better, because I've found those fake mop-things to be notoriously flimsy), and last ten times longer for far cheaper. Call me a purist if you like, but I prefer the simpler approach to cleaning. Don't go in for the gimmicks when a mop and bucket has served everybody perfectly well for centuries. Now, obviously, I'm all for improvements on things (why would I have a top-of-the-line vacuum if I didn't?), but certain areas of the cleaning world are just time-tested--and me-tested, for that matter--and I know they work. I'd rather not spend extra money on something that's made to be disposable and require lots of replacement bits, when I can find products that last longer and do the same job.

So there you have it. Floors of all kinds, and the products for making them shiny and awesome. I hope you've found this useful, and as always, feel free to chime in with comments or discussion topics. I'm hoping to move this blog into more of a cleaning community at some point, with long threads about the virtues of Pledge wipes vs. Pledge spray. Okay, maybe not that, but you get the point. I want to talk about cleaning with people who are similarly interested. Of course, I realize this means I have to start updating more regularly, but I hope I'm getting back on track with that. We'll see what happens, won't we?

Alright kids, it's Saturday. Go out there and be piratical! Yarrr. ;)

Holy first post in a long time, Batman!

2009-09-10T15:31:00.000-07:00

I know, I know. I quit posting. And for that, I am heartily sorry. When life gets hectic, it pays to simplify and focus on the really important things. While I do think this blog is important, for a while there I was managing to take care of jobs, health, and very close relationships and that was it. We all have moments like that. But, in an effort to get back to doing things that make me happy just because they make me happy, I'm making this post. Yep, it's about cleaning, of course. But I think it's more of a cautionary tale than anything else. Read and learn, dear readers, and never let your dwellings reach this state. The Cleaning Gods smite people like this.

I present to you, the first story in a series that I like to call, "No, Really, What IS That???"

I cleaned this house years ago, when I worked for the maid service. Three of us showed up, including the lady who had trained me. She was great--a tough, weathered, no-nonsense Texan with a voice like a gravel driveway. Obviously, smoking and cleaning chemicals don't do good things to your pipes. But man, could she clean a house. The other lady was a sassy Latina who was fairly new to the service. We were all told that this was a bachelor pad, and that he called in for a really thorough cleaning almost as often as the Cowboys go to the Super Bowl. Awesome.

We entered the house Scooby-Doo style, peeking around the corner in trepidation at what we might find. Oh man, is he sloppy. Stuff everywhere, and not stuff that should be everywhere. Clothes, paper plates that once held food, and, horror of horrors: snuff cans.

I hate cleaning for dippers. I have a hard-and-fast policy at Cleaning Bird: if someone in the house dips snuff, my price just went up $50 a cleaning. No negotiation. Because that's how much extra you have to pay me to risk getting chewed-up snuff juice on my hand when I pick up what I think is a cup with some Dr. Pepper in the bottom. That shit is vile, and, as we will see in this story, some dippers are far worse than others.

So we start picking things up. Normally, we don't 'pick up,' we scrub and wipe down surfaces, but if we were going to do that, we had to find them first. So we get a big trash bag and start throwing things away in the living room, and then my Latina coworker goes into the bathrooms to see what we'll need to do in there.

Now, there are certain things you never want to hear a fellow cleaning tech say, especially one who cleans hospital rooms for a living and has therefore probably seen more human residue than any three of us put together.

So when I hear, "Oh my god, why would you do that to your house," my trainer and I cringingly go take a look.

The master bathroom is covered in soap scum. And bits of shaved-off beard hair, and gobs of shaving cream and toothpaste and mold and mildew. Dust bunnies roll along with the tumbling tumbleweeds across the floor. It's nasty. And then we look into the toilet area.

He'd been using his toilet as a spitoon. And he had very. Bad. Aim.

We all kind of stared in revulsion at this snuff-covered toilet room for a second or two before scattering in different directions to clean something, anything, as long as it wasn't that toilet. Jesus effing Christ. Not only was the inside of the thing covered in tobacco flecks, but so was the outside. All of it. Down to the floor. There was stuff on the walls--how do you even manage that??? Did he just pick that as the compass direction in which he was going to spit and decide not to get any more specific than that? Did he stand on the counter top across the room and spit for distance when he got bored?

So we decide to not look at the toilet, and maybe have a celebrity death match to decide who has to clean it. We start to work on the bedroom, shoving piles of clothes into corners so that maybe we can vacuum. Latina Girl finds a woman's bra on the floor. Classy. Her observation: "I don't know what kinda girl would bring herself up in this house, let alone be takin' her clothes off. I would not be sleepin' here." I had to agree. I'd have to be drunk enough to not notice all the snuff juice...which would mean I'd have to be unconscious.

Finally, my trainer tells me to tackle the hell-bathroom, while she and the other lady tackle the entire rest of the house. It's gonna take some time and elbow grease to get that place un-nastified. My trainer says, "Just put your gloves on and get after it, and maybe do that toilet first so you're not thinkin' about it too much."

Okay, right. I can do this.

First, I lean reeeeally far back from the doorway and spray scrubbing bubbles over the entire toilet room. Once the whole place is coated with foam, I let it sit for a minute to break it up. Then I fight my way through the fumes and start wiping gunk off of the toilet. Thankfully(?), everything's...juicy...so it all wipes off really easily. I weep for my poor cleaning rags. And for my sanity, which lost a little ground that day.

I finally got the bathroom clean, but it took me an hour or so, and I can usually clean a master bath in around fifteen to twenty minutes.

Once I was done with that, I went and looked at the rest of the house. It looked good. We were all proud of our work that day, because the house looked habitable again. All of a sudden, my trainer walks over to the coffee table and picks something up. It's a tiny baggie, maybe big enough to hold a nickel or something, and it's empty. But it's got some kind of weird green residue on the inside. I stare at it confusedly, not really sure what I'm looking at. My trainer explains the company's policy on finding any kind of drug paraphernalia in a client's house. Ohhhh, right, I think as the light bulb comes on in my head. We found the remnants of someone's leafy breakfast. It's amazing what you can learn about somebody by cleaning their house.

So, yes, that was one of the grossest houses I've ever cleaned. When I write a post about bathrooms, we'll go over how to take care of a mess like that, step by step.

I'll do my best to make another post next week! Don't burn anything down in the meantime, kids.

Bunny Wrangling 101

2009-07-24T15:51:00.000-07:00

Of course I speak of dust bunnies--although, if you're into some other form of bunny wrangling, I'm not gonna judge you...anyways.

Dusting! Dusting is what we're here to talk about. I know it seems like a daunting task when your ceiling fan blades start resembling Jim Henson creatures, but trust me on this. With the right tools and the right technique, dusting your dwelling won't be nearly as frightening as having to watch the spiders in your living room build some sort of arachnid metropolis.

Tools

There are lots of dusting gadgets out there, but I prefer the simple approach. I have three tools that I use for dusting, and they all cost under $10 an item and are reusable. I just can't see the logic in spending tons of money on something fancy that's going to get covered in dirt and thrown away after a use or two, especially when a good old-fashioned dust rag works just as well (if not better). I'm going to talk about three tools that are cheap, long-lasting, and effective.

The first one is called a wool duster. It's a handy and hard-wearing piece of equipment that no one serious about their dust removal should be without. It's excellent for knocking dust off of your fan blades, blinds, lock-ledges (that part of the window that you push down on to close it and where the lock sits), and windowsills, and it will snag the cobwebs out of your corners and the dirt off your baseboards better and more quickly than anything else I've used. Remember, we're going for both speed and effectiveness here, because it's no fun having to spend days on end cleaning. The wool duster has both of these properties, and you can find them at most dollar stores and places of that sort. Strangely enough, I couldn't find one on Wal-Mart's website. I guess they want you to buy those expensive one-use thingies that don't actually get all the dust off your blinds if they're properly dirty. I think the wool dusters made from actual wool are most effective, but if you have allergy concerns or anything like that, I've seen synthetic ones about as well. Another cool thing about this type of duster is that you can just dunk them in soapy water when they get manky, rinse well, and hang them up to dry. Ta-da! You don't have to buy a new duster, because you cleaned your old one.

The second tool is a feather duster. That's right, like the one you got with that French maid costume that one Halloween. You want one that's made of actual ostrich feather, as there's something about the individual fibers in real feathers that just trap that detail-dust better than synthetic stuff. And your feather duster is going to go almost exclusively toward the detail-dust: picture frames, figurines, bookshelves, things with a lot of shapes and curves and such. The feather duster will help you get the dust off of your really detailed and cluttered areas, without having to take things off the shelves (you should only do that once in a while, to save your sanity). Once again, when the feather duster gets manky, you can clean it. Just go outside and bang it against the side of the house, then give it a good shake. Replace it when the pointy ends of the feathers start showing through too much, because those ends can scratch delicate surfaces.

The third and final tool is a dust rag. That's right, just a plain old rag. You can recycle old kitchen towels, tear t-shirts into manageable squares, or just buy a 12-pack of bar rags next time you're at the store. You'll use these for your big flat surfaces, for electronics, and for wet dusting, like when you want to get the cup rings off your glass coffee table along with the dust, or when you're dusting Grandma's piano and you want to use some wood cleaner/duster like Pledge while you're at it. A dust rag is good for when you want the control of using just your hand, like around your entertainment center, or for when you need to use any cleaning chemicals, because you can throw the rags in the wash. Wash them in hot water with detergent and bleach, then tumble-dry them with NO fabric softener! It leaves residue behind as you dust and will make your glass streaky, so skip the dryer sheets when washing your rags.

Technique

So now that you're fully prepared, let's start dusting! Wait, where do we start? Well, as the composer said, take it from the top. Turn off the ceiling fans in all the rooms you'll be dusting so that extra airflow isn't thwarting your efforts, and then dust the fan blades with your wool duster. Check for cobwebs in the ceiling corners while you're at it--just pick a corner and work your way around the room from there, keeping contact with the wall so that you know you're not missing a spot by walking across the room and back several times.

Now that you've done the ceiling, you're going to work from the top down and from left to right, all the way around the room. If you're in your living room, start at the entertainment center, just to have a set starting point. Wipe down all those shelves, all the little boxes you play games on, the front (and back and sides!) of the TV. Lift DVD players and such to wipe under them, but don't take everything off the shelf. We just want to make it look good, not sterilize it. Use glass cleaner on things that need it, like the TV screen or any glass cabinet doors. Looking good? Take a step to your right and see what's in front of you. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Say you encounter a bookshelf covered with knick knacks and books and weird lamps and things! Time to get out the feather duster. You want to drag it along your figurines and over the tops of picture frames, and then around the sides and bases. That flicky-flicky thing the maid in Clue does? Don't do that. You'll just stir dust up into the air, where it will float around for a bit before landing back on your stuff. Drag the duster across things, then drag it off the edge of the surface, letting the extra dust fall off the duster and onto the floor. If you work top to bottom, you should end up with all your dust on the floor, where you can vacuum it away.

Take some wood cleaner and a clean rag to wipe down any wooden furniture. Again, top to bottom, and don't forget those weird decorative fiddly bits around the legs! Lamps? Run the wool duster over the outside of the shade, then shove your feather duster up next to the bulb (make sure the lamp is off when you do this!) and twirl it around a little to knock the dust off the bulb. Drag the feather duster down the sides and around the base of the lamp, then take your rag and wipe off whatever the lamp is sitting on. Don't worry if using so many different things feels unwieldy at first; you'll get faster as you go. Wear something with cargo pockets so you can stick the dusters and rags in there and have them handy as you walk around.

Okay, have you wiped and swiped and all that good stuff? Woohoo, you're nearly done! Now take the wool duster, hold it vertically, and run it along your baseboards where hair and such builds up. Get all that knocked off, then have a seat, drink some water, and think about how cool you are for having dusted your entire living room really, really well. Thankfully, living rooms tend to have the most stuff in them, so if you've done that, your bedroom and foyer and rumpus room should be fairly easy to get on with. Don't worry about dusting the kitchen or bathrooms; we'll talk about that when we talk about cleaning those rooms. Just dust the 'dry' rooms--ones that don't have running water in them.

If you haven't dusted in a while, you'll probably look at your rooms the next day and think, "Aww man! It's dusty again!" That's just dust re-settling because there was a lot of it to begin with. If you dust regularly, maybe every other week or so, the dust level in the room will get steadily better and there will be less re-settling to contend with.

Alrighty, that's my ramble for the week. I hope you feel informed! Be sure and check back next week, as that will be Cleaning Bird's first installment of 'Mystery Cleaning Horror Theatre!' Tales of tragedy, woe, and bleach. You won't want to miss this.

How to Avoid Death by Cleaning!

2009-07-17T10:42:00.000-07:00

Afternoon, all! Time to talk cleaning. More specifically, time to talk about safety while cleaning. I'd rather my readers not tackle a house without first being armed with the knowledge of how not to kill yourselves in the process. Personally, I've never known anybody to actually cack it mid-scrub, but I'm sure there are stories out there (and if there are, send me links, because I'm morbidly curious like that). But I have known lots of people, including myself, to get sick or injured to the point of missing work due to not taking care of themselves while cleaning, which is why I'm leading with the safety post. If you do it right, most cleaning-related health issues are preventable, something I learned from the School of Hindsight, and I'm passing these prevention tips along to you so that you can do as I say, and not as I once did.

Tip #1: Don't Asphyxiate Yourself.

I know, it sounds like a no-brainer, huh? But it's surprisingly easy to impair your breathing when you're slinging a bunch of cleaning chemicals around and stirring up a bunch of long-settled dust and mold. I have experienced the light-headedness that comes from standing in a closed shower stall and spraying Tilex around the walls--it's not pretty. Well, some of those swirly colors in front of your face are pretty, but...not exactly comforting. After my year at the maid service, I became very sensitive to seasonal allergens and pollution, moreso than the allergies I already dealt with, and eventually I had to get treated for asthma. It's under control now, but the yearly battles with bronchitis could have been avoided if I'd made more of an effort to keep some ventilation in the rooms I was cleaning and worn a dust mask.

Pay extra attention to how much air you're breathing when you're cleaning bathrooms, as that's where you'll be using the harshest chemicals. Unless you prefer natural cleaning products, but that's a future post. Leave the bathroom door open, and turn on the vent fan if there is one, just to circulate some air. If you start feeling woozy, or if you start coughing a lot, step into a different room and breathe fresh air for a couple of minutes. You might also want to switch cleaning products to something with a different scent or active ingredient if the stuff you're using is harder on your body than it is on the soap scum. Dust filter masks are easy to find at your local hardware store or WallyWorld or whatever, and they're cheap. When I was cleaning for 30 hours a week, mine was indispensible. Alas, if your face is like mine you might break out under the mask from sweat and dirt being trapped there, but a good daily face scrub can fix that right up, and to me it's worth it to be able to get all the dusting done and not be sneezing for days afterward.

Tip #2: Cleaning Products Should NOT be Chemical Warfare Agents.

While they CAN be, it's not as much fun as you'd think. Mixing cleaning chemicals can be really dangerous, and what's the point of having a clean tub if you keel over afterwards? Never, ever mix bleach-based and ammonia-based cleaning products. In fact, never mix cleaning chemicals ever. It's a good rule of thumb. Several of you cleaning enthusiasts will say 'duh!' at this, but it surprises me how many people have not heard this rule. Bleach and ammonia produce chlorine gas when combined. Chlorine gas is also known as mustard gas, known for causing lung scarring and death in World War I soldiers. Don't chance it. Use a separate rag for your window cleaner and your bleach water, and when you're done cleaning a room, get fresh cleaning rags for the next one to avoid mixups. Clean one type of surface at a time, then set that cleaner and the rag you were using aside, and get a new rag to use with the different cleaner. It only takes a little bit of extra time, and it'll help you avoid that really embarassing trip to the hospital because you sniffed a rag to see what cleaning chemical was on it when it accidentally had a mixture.

Tip #3: Wear shoes while you're cleaning. No, really.

I was flying through my apartment one day, barefoot, putting away cleaning supplies and putting my bathroom back in order after a thorough cleaning, when I rounded a corner and *WHAM!!!* I ran into an end table and broke my foot. Note to self: when the cable guy comes, make sure he puts the end table back after he moves it. I know, I know, most pathetic injury ever, but I racked up a heck of a doctor bill from the x-rays and such, and had to hobble around for a month, really depressed and unable to clean because standing for too long made my foot hurt, even in an orthotic boot. If I'd been wearing sneakers, my foot would probably have smarted a lot, but my metatarsal (and my pride) would have remained intact.

I realize that my story is an extreme one, but there are lots of other reasons to wear closed-toe, comfortable shoes while working. They give some extra cushion to your step, helping you not tire out as quickly and keeping your back and legs happy for longer. They give you traction on slippery tile floors, in case you splashed some water out without noticing or you have to walk across something freshly-mopped. I have busted arse on a slick floor before, and if you're not good at that whole 'tuck and roll' maneuver, you tend to end up at the chiropractor or at least really sore the next day. Wearing shoes also gives you some protection from harsh chemicals you might spill, heavy things you might drop while moving, vacuum cleaners you might drag over your toes, and things of that sort. In general, I support the wearing of shoes while cleaning.

Tip #4: You're Not Wonder Woman.

It's okay, turns out I'm not either, so at least you're in good company. One of the other health issues I deal with due to cleaning is a mild case of tendonitis in my shoulder. I'm very left-side dominant, so pushing a vacuum, and wiping counters and mirrors with big sweeping motions, and swiping a mop across acres of floor, has just worn out the joint that I use every time I really lean into cleaning something. It's been 'a mild case' for over a year now, and it should stay a mild case, because I learned very quickly to take it easy, and stop when I'm hurting. Don't 'push through it'--pain is your body's way of saying it's not okay with what you're doing. If some part of you is hurty, slow down or take a break. If you can't finish the whole house or whole room in one session, don't worry about it. Repetitive motion injuries suck, and they're best avoided. As always, if you're really concerned about pain you're experiencing, talk to your doc. He or she can probably give you stretches to do for musculoskeletal and joint issues, and mine even offered me some prescription-strength ibuprofen if the tendonitis got really bad. I didn't take it, as I prefer to not mask my body's early warning system if I can help it, but that was between me and my health care provider. Your mileage may vary.

The most important thing to remember with this tip is to be nice to yourself. Don't expect miraculous feats of cleaning if you've never performed said feats before. It's a skill that has to be developed, both mentally and physically. People pay cleaning services upwards of $200 per cleaning because cleaning techs are trained in the skill of cleaning. Like any workout or marathon or hiking trip, you have to work up to going at full speed through the whole thing or you'll hurt yourself. Give yourself the time to do a good job, and don't beat yourself up if it takes you longer than someone else. I'm the most competitive person I know, and I'm here to tell you that the kind of self-competition that makes you push through legitimate pain for some imaginary goal of an 'acceptably clean house' is not good for anybody. It just adds stress to your life, and I think cleaning should be a relaxing experience. It should be a good workout, and you should feel accomplished whenever you stop, whether the place is spotless from floor to ceiling or no. Does it look better than when you started? Then you did a great job, and I'm very proud of you. You deserve to treat yourself well.

Tip #5: Water--Not Just for Fishies!

You should drink plenty of water before, during, and after any kind of physical exertion. And believe me, cleaning the way I'm going to talk about is a workout. Even if you clean slowly and take lots of breaks, you're working your body, using your muscles, and upping your heart rate. Drinking water replenishes your body's reserves of sweat and lubricates your joints so that you can do all that moving around more easily. Drink that water, and keep drinking it. It also keeps your skin hydrated, which is a good thing when your hands have been assaulted by various cleaning chemicals. And don't tell me you don't like the taste of water; there are approximately zillions of bottled water brands that all taste different, and you can always squeeze fresh lemons or limes into the water to pep it up a bit.

That's my advice for the week, but feel free to leave extra tips or cleaning injury horror stories in the comments. Extra knowledge never hurt anybody, even me.

If you're just feeling stiff and sore the day after cleaning, but otherwise okay, drink plenty of water and stretch when you can. You're probably using muscles you didn't know were there, and your body's protesting a bit. Thankfully, soreness goes away if you keep using those muscle groups--good excuse to keep cleaning, right? Right? You know you want to.

Have a good weekend, all, and I'll see you next week when I talk about dusting! Everyone's favorite chore! Not really. But we'll talk about it, and I'll see if I can make it easier for you with the right tools and technique.

Happy Cleaning!

Kicking This Off Properly

2009-07-10T11:03:00.000-07:00

Greetings, blogosphere! *Salutes with feather duster*

As I was hiding under my couch the other day, having an existential crisis, I took a look at my life and tried to sort out what things I was good at, and what things I enjoyed doing, the two not always being the same thing. I needed a foothold, some place to start putting my life back in order after losing a lucrative-yet-horrendously-stressful job and spending several weeks staring at the lack of direction and ashes of my post-college optimism strewn about the apartment. I could really only hit on a couple of solid talents: I can write, and I can clean. Well, that's a start. Now where would those talents be useful? In a blog, of course! What else does one do with a Bachelor's in English? Work at a big-brand coffee shop, I suppose...oops, too late. So when I'm not slinging lattes or cleaning my friends' houses, I'm writing, either on my fledgling book or on my friends-locked blog on another site. But I wanted to make a public blog to get some good feedback and put my (pseudo)name out there, and to have a change of pace from the 'daily drama' sort of writing that I do on my personal blog.

In case you haven't figured it out yet, this is a blog about cleaning. I've been a professional cleaning tech since I was in college, as an employee of a maid service for a year, and as an independent Cleaning Bird ever since then. All told, I've got about four years of cleaning other people's houses under my belt. It's a rewarding job and, when done properly, has helped me lose weight, de-stress, and generally be healthier than I was sitting behind a desk. But even if you don't want to clean for a living, you have to come home every now and then. And who likes their place to look like a herd of water buffalo has been through it? I know I don't. So if you can't afford to hire someone like me to come in and introduce some soap and Windex to your life, and you don't want the bother of saying 'sod it!' and moving, it falls to you to keep your dwelling clean. For a lot of people, this is the most horrible chore imaginable. Especially if you have kids or dogs or hobgoblins who are going to run around behind you and mess up all your hard work as you're doing it. There are lots of reasons not to clean, and I'll probably ennumerate them in a post some time just so I can refute them, insufferable know-it-all that I am. But there are also lots of reasons to clean:

-Less stress
-The possibility of fewer allergy/asthma attacks
-A safer home for you and your loved ones
-Being proud of your home
-Helping retain your home's value for longer, and possibly retaining security deposits on apartments
-Finding stuff you thought you'd lost years ago
-Not losing stuff you thought you'd put 'right here on this table, next to the pile of laundry and the grocery bags!'

I know we're all busy. And we're definitely all stressed. Let's face it, modern life wants to keep us out of our homes as much as possible, and when we come home and everything is filthy, we have no haven from the pressures of all the stuff that comes leaping at us when we look out the front door. A lot of people feel like cleaning would be more stressful than not cleaning, and that's where I come in. I'm the Cleaning Bird. I fix both houses, and attitudes.

I'm going to try for a post a week, on Fridays if I can manage it, and I'm going to do my best to offer you practical, inexpensive home cleaning and maintenance tips from someone who's Been There, and possibly also Done That. I don't want to make you work harder; I want you to work smarter! I want your home to be beautiful and I want you to take pride in the work you've put into making it that way. Don't be afraid of your home; it's just a little neglected. It'll be less aggressive with some time and attention. As one of my favorite cleaning advice websites tells me constantly: Your home didn't get the way it is in a day, and it won't get clean in a day either. I want to give you advice on how to take baby steps toward a clean home, not waste your entire weekend scrubbing. That's no fun, and with the state the world's in right now, we need all the fun we can get.

So watch this space, because next week I'm going to talk about how to clean your house while avoiding the risk of bodily harm. Hey, cleaning's a dangerous sport. I've got the scars to prove it.

Cheers!